feeling better

I found a BPD support group, joined, and made my first post. Of course a great deal of it was about Mandie, and I've already gotten a response. It is SO reassuring to talk to someone else who knows exactly what it's like.. the borderline dance of fear and anger. Someone who understands the intensity with which we feel these emotions..

I caught myself again today, saying we instead of I. My dad asked me to let the dogs inside as he went outside so that they wouldn't bother him, and he was taking a while. I knocked on his door and said "Don't forget, we have work at 6 today!"

He asked me why I said "we," and I got embarassed. This is supposed to be normal for people with BPD, to create other parts to which they attribute different skills/talents and character traits. My therapist also says I have a fragmented ego.. I mean, I'm always Michelle. That doesn't change.. But I do have other... influences. It's so hard to explain.

Mandie noticed it, as does my therapist. When I get upset my mannerisms and voice change. My voice gets noticably deeper, I become more calm and stoic. I begin to act like a man, to be honest. When I'm happier I smile a lot more and act more energetic.

I don't want to over analyze it, I just want to accept it and then deal with it.

I also realized today, after fighting with my dad a lot, that he is right. My memories are very flawed, and he didn't do a lot of what I remember. Well, a big sign of it was that I don't remember anything specific. I just remember the feelings.. feeling like my emotions didn't matter and feeling like he didn't care. I think it's partially the lies my mother told me, because I remember finding otu a few times that she lied, and he insists that she lied a lot. I also think it was partially projection.. that my mother made me feel like my feelings didn't matter so I assumed that everyone felt that way.

Whatever it is, this helps a lot.

words words words

I've had this recurring thought recently, and I've decided to write it down.
Maybe I was meant to be close to Deb while she is with Josh and he's like this.. because I can see him doing the same things I did. It helps me to see things from the other side, and it also makes me feel a little better about myself. I mean.. I was never as bad as him, thank God.
I talked about Mandie a lot last night, just telling Deb how I felt and stuff like that. I explained Good Michelle/Bad Michelle to her.. though I didn't really tell her that Bad Michelle is Damian.
It sounds weird, and it wouldn't make a lot of sense to most people.
It also makes sense to me, because I've always explained to people that who I trust and don't trust is entirely beyond my control.. that I just feel one way or the other. And sometimes if someone breaks that trust I can never trust them again, even if I want to. I think it has always been Damian making that decision.. the silent protector I've kept around since childhood.

Mandie called me last night, because I had texted her saying that I wanted to talk.
I was surprised, but hearing her voice and talking to her didn't upset me..
I started crying, but it wasn't over her, it was over the fact that I'm going to be living away from my dad again..
I get so mad at him sometimes, but I still love him, and I've still always been with him.

I'm really proud of myself, which isn't a common occurance, because therapy is seeming to help. The more I come to terms with what my mother did to me, the more I am coming to terms with Mandie. I can see how the two are related, and I really think I'm getting better...

I mean, I still care about her and miss her, but it's at a reasonable level right now. Before it was this constant physical pain as well as emotional pain and I was always crying, as though my mother had left me all over again.

I still don't know that I'll be able to talk to her without getting overly attached. Besides, she said she's doing better, so she's probably happier this way.

All bitterness aside, I really do hope that her relationship with Rob and time alone was worth this.. because we'll never be close again. I hope she doesn't end up regretting it, just as I hope I don't end up regretting breaking up with her.
So far, I think it was the right decision.

i like the sound of typing

I don't think Deb realizes how much I miss Mandie..
The other night she asked me why I'm so adverse to wearing my seat belt. The way I see it.. I really want to die. If life/God give me that opportunity, I wouldn't want to miss it because I'm wearing a seatbelt.. I know that's bad, but it's how I feel. I'm so damn good at hiding my feelings, she thinks that I'm moving on just fine. She thinks that I'm happy.. and I'm glad. I don't want to be the depressing person that drags people around them down. I always hated that about Shelly, when she would break up with someone she would just be so glum and I would get so depressed just being around her, and I'd miss my friend that liked to laugh and have fun.
If I can spare those around me, I prefer to. Plus, if you wear a mask long enough, you just go into that mode when you put it on. When I put on the happy face around Deb and at work, I convince myself I'm alright. It works for a while at least... then I get home or they leave and I get depressed all over again.
Sometimes when I'm sitting around with friends and couples are sitting together I think about how Mandie I used to sit together.. and we'd whisper about our games and things that made us think of them. It was like we had our own world.. our fortress against reality. Should I be thinking about these things?
People tell me I shouldn't dwell on the past, but at the sametime sometimes I like to keep my happy memories.. Like I was thinking, I told Mandie that if I could I would just go live in one memory. The one I picked was the time at Medieval times, with her and my dad.. I was so happy. But then I thought, maybe I'd pick the time her and I were flying kites in the park, that was happy too.. or maybe one of the nights we laid around until 5am roleplaying. Also, the days she stayed home sick and I'd come over and we'd sit around and watch movies..
Ross said to think about the things she did that bothered me.. but they all just seem to stupid now. In the end.. none of that matters. I don't even care about it anymore.. I just miss her. I wonder, if I had known that we wouldn't be friends after we broke up.. would I still have done the same thing? Had I known that everything we had would just vanish.. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm getting any better without her. I've definately been more introspective, I really needed some time with nowhere to escape, so I had to face reality for a bit.
But.. is this worth it?
I.. just don't know. I'd like to say yes, that I've grown as an individual and I'm happy with where I am.
But I can't, because I'm not happy.
Everytime I go on a delivery I cry, then whipe the tears away and put on the smile while I walk to the door. When I get back in my car, the tears come back. I cry until I get back to work, then put on the smile. Usually I stop thinking about it until I get back in my car.

I'm watching phantom of the opera, I finally burned it. I really associate with the phantom.. No one likes him, in fact people all hate him. People don't hate me.. but I feel like they do. And he's alone too.. and he has found someone that makes him happy who he can't have. Maybe it's just that thing where everyone finds something in a movie that they can twist to relate to themselves.. but I really do feel like we have something in common, at least emotionally.

too early

I must say.. not thinking about things has helped a little.
or maybe it's just that I have things to distract me.
one of the people I contacted about sharing an apartment with asked me if I was looking to hook-up.. kind of annoying. I was just thinking, I really don't think I could be in another relationship, at least not for a long time.. I mean, I'm still hurting over Mandie, and being with someone else would only make me think about her more. Plus, I'm really not sure I want to trust someone ever again.
I know a lot of people say that after the end of a close relationship, but I'm serious. Losing someone I'm really close to is always a huge fear of mine.. I lost Tyler, Mom, and now Mandie. I'm tired of losing people..

Deborah and I just came up with the coolest thing.. if I were a lizard:
I'd be little, but I'd have steel feet, wear go go boots, wear big pink glasses, and have the coolest 70's hair. I would lead a large army of other lizards, working towards lizard equality and lizard rights. I would also be able to seperate into molicules and light myself on fire. I would be cool, and I'd build an elaborate undergound tunnel system, with some cool tubes going into space like a big hamster cage.
I'd also kill leo and hunt other cats.

I told my dad about the things that mom said.. he never realized that she said those things to me too. It was very sad.. I told him how I just have this constant fear that the people around me are going to die. We were standing outside the car, and he appologized for being so glum. I said it was okay and that I was depressed too, then I told him that I miss Mandie.. and I started crying.
He said that I just have to follow my heart, and if I really love her to talk to her. I told him that I do, but that it's so difficult for me.. My heart tells me to hold onto her so tight, because if I don't that she'll die and leave and hate me.. My brain tells me you can't do that, you have to give people space.. I try to make a compromise and it just doesn't work, and I end up where I am.
I told my dad that I really trust her and really care about her.. and she still wants what's best for me.
I really trusted again.. I really loved. For the first time since my mother.. And now I feel like I've lost the thing that made my life most worth living. I feel so empty and lost.. and life just doesn't seem worthwhile anymore.
God, if my mother were alive, she'd be so ashamed of me...

I just.. give up.
My manager actually asked me repeatedly today what's wrong.. because normally I at least try to put on a happy face.
Today I just walked around, empty. That's what I am.. empty.
I went to therapy, talked with her about some of the stuff..
I had a new set of memories too. I remembered how when I was little, and my parents were fighting, I went to my brother's room once. I knocked on his door, and all teary eyed told him that mom and dad were fighting and I didn't know what to do..
He'd let me come in there and we'd play video games, which meant that he played and I read to him out of the guide.
Then I remembered that I used to do that all the time.. I cried a lot today. I cry a lot everyday, but particularily so today.. just remembering that feeling. When he would hug me and tell me not to cry and try to make me feel better.. He really didn't want me to hurt. He was more of a parent to me than my mother and father ever were.. at least he tried to help me, protect me.
I'm so mad at him.. I still havent forgiven him for abandoning me. I used to tell myself how no matter what, I'd be okay, because he still accepted and loved me...
I HATE HIM!
HATE.
He left me here in this hell hole.. to struggle to survive on my own.
I just want someone that will love me and help me through this.. I want someone who will say "Michelle, calm down. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'm abandoning you.. because I'm not. I will be back, and I love you."
If I could just have someone that would say that.. and then leave and come back, I'd be better about it. Just talk to me about my feelings, acknowledge them.
My therapist told me again today that I have to be careful because I'm constantly seeking to replace that maternal relationship I never had. But I read in these books, and some people have someone that loves them and helps them through it.. Why can't I have someone like that?
I hope I did something really bad.. really truly awful..
So I'm just giving up.. I'm not going to hope for anything good between Mandie and myself, and I'm going to try to not think of the past. I try and I try to figure out what's right.. what I should do.. and I can't stop switching.
She's probably happier this way anyways...
I'm turning the reins over to someone else, because I'm just so so tired.
I really hope there is a God..

...

I dreamt about weird things last night.. there were monsters.
Because I'm so torn, and can't ever do anything.. I think I'll just give up and do nothing.
I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and just let life happen.. avoiding issues is probably bad, but whatever. I just can't handle it anymore.. life, people.. everything.

What would you do if two people you respected were screaming at you to do opposite things? Both insist that you will fail AGAIN if you don't listen.. Both say the other is wrong. The factions in my head are doing that.. they're screaming.. screaming at me to follow them. I don't know which is right.. How do I know which to follow, and how do I get the other to stop screaming?
SCREAMING.
Constantly...
God.. I'm so afraid.. I'm trembling.
I can't control the switching.. I can't control the onslaught.

i am nothing

I feel ashamed again.
Mandie is just now reading my e-mails, and reading them all at once she'll see how often I switch my feelings.. I'm so incredibly ashamed.
I'm so weird.. so crazy. I can't control it very much anymore.
I was screaming at myself in the car again today...
Wow, I shut down really fast this time. My feelings just... stopped.
I feel nothing.. nothing seems worth saying.
My hands feel so far away..

tired of life.. tired of the world..

You know.. I'm really sick of the world.
I left my house and just drove around crying for a while.. because Ross isn't even a friend anymore. It's like he has already replaced me and moved on. Is this just how life is? Do people always leave? My therapist and psychiatrist tell me that eventually I will find people that will stay with me for the rest of my life.. but I think they're wrong.
I think that I don't even want to try anymore.. I can get a handgun online for like.. $400. I just deposited a $150 paycheck, and spent all the money that was in my account before that on an xbox. So, with tips and my next paycheck, I should be able to afford one.
I've been talking about doing this since I was in 6th grade.. that's a little over 8 years. At least this time I'll be able to prove that I'm not just looking for attention, and that I do follow through on what I say..
I wonder sometimes, what I did differently than Ross and Deb. I've tried to be a good person, tried very hard to do what was expected of me.. Yet when I was a kid, I was screamed at, told I was ugly and stupid by my mother.. She told me that she hated me, that I ruined her life, and that I made her want to kill herself. My father was never home, and his behavior only reinforced what she told me, because he was always correcting me, always pointing out what I did wrong. I think if they had had the option to choose between Tyler and me.. they would've chosen Tyler. They always loved him more.. and I don't know why. He was more charming, better looking, smarter. People liked Tyler.. but not me.
I told Deb the other day how I think that maybe life is a punishment for people that have committed horrible crimes. Like the rest of the world is really much larger, and a spiritual happy place. We would be the people that committed crimes so heinous, that we were stripped of our ability to spiritually connect with others and the world, yet left with the desire for it. It was funny, cause she said that she didn't think her life was really that bad.. and I realized that life doesn't feel like punishment to other people. What did Ross and Deb do that they deserve lives that are happy.. with money, and a sense of love and security.. What did I do wrong? I asked myself that for so many years.. what was I doing wrong? It seemed like no matter what I did, she still hated me... I think, I hope.. that I must have done something very bad. Either in a past life, or in another reality.. because at least then there would be a reason for why I cry myself to sleep all the time and have only 1 friend.
There is something so broken, ruined, and disgusting about me.. I've known all my life, that if people got to know me like my parents did, then they would hate me like my parents did. But we live in a world where people throw away their broken things and buy new working things. Like with Chester.. Nate thinks we should replace him. I say no.. he's all taped and stuff, but he still works. And he has history, he's a survivor, a veteran. But that's the mentality of our world.. he's not pretty and new, so he should be replaced. What about me? I'm broken.. I'm not pretty... will I ever find a place?
I was raised to believe that being selfish was the worst thing I could ever do, and being selfish was ever putting my own needs before someone else's. I could use crack and live on the street, but if I inconvenienced someone else, or put my own needs in front of theirs, THEN I was sinning. I've been able to tone that down, but I still fear being selfish.

i hate people

I'm really pissed off right now.
I bought a game for my xbox last night, and I really can't play it. It freezes constantly, it can take up to half an hour to get the game to even start successfully... And no one will lend me theirs.
Oh I'm sorry, it's inconvenient to do a favor for me?
Well then, I'll just go buy a new for probably over a hundred dollars, because god forbid I trouble anyone.
It's funny, how all these people tell you "No, your parents were wrong, you're not worthless. You deserve to care about yourself, it's not selfish." But then, when I ask for a favor, somehow I get the exact same message.. I'm just not worth it.
Maybe my mother was right in doing what she did, because at least when I expect nothing from anyone, I never get surprised or disappointed.
Well, time to go buy another xbox, fucking waste of money..

empty

My dad asked me why I didn't go see star wars with a friend, and I responded without thinking. Because I don't have any friends.. That's how I feel. I feel so distanced from everyone I was ever close to.. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm not connected to anyone anymore.. and I feel so fundamentally different from the rest of the world. I can't connect with others, and I'm so terribly alone. Is it possible to drown without water? The world around me is becoming more and more distorted and confusing, and I'm dying. Not in the traditional sense, where your heart stops beating and brain functions cease. I'm dying in a different way.. emotionally. I've been struggling for so long and now I'm just giving up.. I've always struggled to hold onto hope, to the possibility of something better.
I can't anymore.

alone

I tried to deposit my paycheck, but the bank had no electricity for some reason. I tried to go to Target, but I got all nervous being there alone and I didn't know whether I had to ahve khaki shorts or khaki COLORED shorts, so I didn't do that either. I wanted to stop and get boxes to start packing, but then nothing seemed worth doing and I was getting more and more depressed so I just came home, where I'll probably sit around and cry...
Deb isn't answering her phone, she said we might hang out but I guess not.
This just reminds me that no matter how many nights I keep myself surrounded and drown my feelings in pot or alcohol, I'm still alone.

and then the ground just disappears

I came in crying again today.. my dad talked to me a little. I told him I missed Mandie, and he said I should call her. I told him that I can't, that we aren't talking.. He was surprised, he said he thought that we were talking again. I told him that she messaged me, and that I can't handle it right now. I don't think he understands.. he said I have to start somewhere.
I told him I tried and it was too hard.
I've been so depressed again lately.. I think I should buy a gun. Then, when the sadness overwhelms me again, I could just end it all...
It seems like it must be better than this, it has to be.
I told Deb last night, that I have to believe that time makes SOME things better.. I have to because if I don't then I have no hope at all. I've placed so much on that, told myself ever since I was a kid that everyone says that things get better with time. I told myself that, that if I just held on long enough things would get better... all my life. It hasn't happened, and if I give up now, then I have nothing.

...

Because I have no one to talk to most of the time, I think to myself more often. When I think to myself, it's kind of like talking.. I think that's why I say we sometimes, because it almost feels like I'm not alone sometimes. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but whatever.. I had the thoughts while I was stoned, and I probably would've done a better job of writing them down then. I'm feeling suicidal again.. life feels like it has no meaning anymore.

I have had a lot of thoughts that I haven't written down lately...
Today, I had lunch with Shelly.. Last night I told her about all the stuff my mom did to me that she never knew.. I think she felt bad about not knowing about it. I told her I'm just that good at hiding my life and my emotions..
I told her about what happened with Mandie, and I described life after. I told her how I kept trying to contact Mandie but she was always busy with something else, and how she immediately started dating Rob. And Shelly just said how hard that must have been.. and touched my shoulder consolingly. I really felt validated by that, like it's okay that I was so hurt. Like it was normal for me to be hurt, and wrong of her to do that. It was like she totally understood.. I said how I just decided that I'd probably never see her again and she said that at least Mandie could have told me what she wanted, that she couldn't talk to me. That's exactly how I felt, like Mandie could have at least told me that much...
It was really pleasant, talking to Shelly about all that stuff..
I want to talk to her more...

Tonight was very difficult for me.. I was around a large amount of people.
Quite often I found that everyone was having a conversation with someone and I was just sitting there looking at the table.. towards the end I tried to be more conversational.
I felt so incredibly akward, and I just kept wishing that Mandie was there... We'd always whisper things about our games and something that made us think of them.. It was like we had our own world. If she was with me I felt secure.. I thought about how she would've probably squeezed my hand and asked me if I was okay.. She did sweet things like that a lot, it made me feel a lot better.
I had to leave the after graduation gathering thing for a little bit too, because it just became so overwhelming. It's like when you're a child and you get lost in a huge store, like Wal-Mart, and you wlak around crying and looking for your mother.. I feel so lost when I'm surrounded by people, I just want someone to stay with me and take me through the crowds.. But when everyone I know wanders off I just stand there and look strange.. I start to panic, and then I just have to run. I walked off into the parking lot and sat down and cried a little, then calmed myself down.
It would've been different if Mandie had been there...
I have to stop thinking like that.
I have to.

Last night, when I meant to say I, I said We.
I felt really stupid.. I think of myself as my own companion far too often..

hum

Deborah came over and we smoked for a while.. eventually I had to take her home and Nate went with me. It was pretty cool.
But now I'm home alone again.
I'm always left feeling so empty..
I keep making all these discoveries and breakthroughs in therapy, but they're not making this any easier..

I still miss her.

sadness

I just broke off contact with Mandie again..
God, I hope I'm making the right decision.
I love her, I really do.. I love her, I trust her, and I miss her so much.
I hate that we live in a world where that doesn't mean anything in the end..
Where you can really love someone but have things that you are presently unable to overcome..
I won't ask her to wait for me, because it would be wrong, and because it would give me hope.
I can't have any hope of being friends with her again if I'm going to move on..
By move on, I mean accept that she is not and will not be in my life, and start to deal with that..
As opposed to thinking of when she'll e-mail me next and when we'll be able to talk again.
It hurts so much, and I'm so sad that I had to say it.. I didn't want to. I was avoiding saying the final words, like an animal pulling on a rope. I was struggling and struggling, but there comes a point when you know that you're going to have to do that thing which you don't want to do.
It felt like the e-mail wasn't long enough, but I knew that I could never put everything I want to say in there.
You know what else? I really wanted to discuss the ending of Fionavar tapestry with her.
If you ever plan on reading those books, stop here!


Diarmuid dies, and it's one of the sadest scenes in the whole damn book. I cried and cried when I read it, I was just so upset.. It's a really sad scene, and he dies doing something valiant.. Sharra goes over to him and they have a moment, where he looks into her eyes and holds her hand and words are no longer necessary, then he has his brother kill him. He wanted the killing wound to be done with love, not by evil.
I really really wanted SOMEONE to talk about that ending with.. someone that would feel like I do. I get so into books, I mean my heart really ached when it happened.. I wanted to share that with someone.
I guess I never will

Another night where I'm sitting here wondering why I'm even alive...

sad

I feel so alone.. I tried calling Ross and Deb, but they're both busy..
My dad is out at wal-mart buying another piece to fix the faucet.. which I feel will never get fixed.
Ache.. ache..
Mandie said I was cold a lot towards the end.. but I remembered being on the phone with her on the way to class, a day before we broke up I think. It was so silent.. she just didn't seem to want to talk to me. She actually felt hostile because I was keeping her on the phone.. I could feel the resentment. When someone hates you, you can't say to them "I'm sad, please don't leave."
I never meant to be cold, it's just the only way I ever learned to deal with life, I would just shut down. Nothing comes in, nothing goes out. My thoughts wander away from the painful matter and I just sort of zone out. Physically I'm there, alert, but my mind is elsewhere. Whenever she hurt me, not that she meant to, I just pulled back and let the walls come up.
Ross, if you're reading, this is the part where you should stop. I don't want to bother you.


That happened today actually, and I was impressed with how fast. Deb and I were pressuring Ross to make a left turn because he was taking a while, and he got mad and yelled at us. Just hearing him raise his voice.. I just pulled back instantly. I think it's because he's someone I really trust and I'm really close to, so I was absolutely terrified of being yelled at.. I really can't take rejection from people I'm close to. Almost instantly all I was focusing on was figuring out how to do something on the cell phone he's going to sell me. It was just like when I was little, my parents would start fighting, they would be talking about Tyler's drug problem, or mom would be yelling at me. I'd just sit there silently.
I want this all to stop, I'm reaching my limit. All these bad things happening...

more later

I'm not sober, and I don't know if that makes this easier or harder to write...
I also had a really hard day today emotionally, I thought of a lot of memories and cried almost everytime I got in the car..
I tried calling My dad, and My therapist, but she was on lunch when I Called... I even tried Text messaging mandie..
I wish I could open up emotionally to ross or deborah, and I feel guilty for not being able to..
I want to be able to trust.+

I had a long ass day today..
I got up at 9:45 and went to work at 10:45 to open, worked until 4:30, then had an hour and a half break...
So at 6, I went back, and stayed to close.
I was actually the person that drove with him to the bank to make the deposit..
I worked THIRTEEN FREAKIN HOURS.
I'm exhausted, and my feet hurt.
I finally got the water vacuumed up mostly.. god I hope there's not a pipe leaking under my house.
I'm glad Deb didn't come over tonight, because I told her I was getting off at 12.
I didn't get back here until 1:20 AM.
I had asked Dawn earlier when I would be getting off work if I agreed to stay and close, and she said 12. Apparently what she meant was the store CLOSES at 12, and then we do clean-up.
I thought it closed at 11...
Oi.

I ate, drove home, it's all a blur. I have this terrible pressure in my head... It's like my body moves of its own accord and I just ride along and watch.
I work through these little questions in my head, to try to find out the root of my problems sometimes. I already know the answers but I do it anyways.
"Why do I hate the world?"
"Because it hates me, because it hurt me."
"How did it hurt me?"
"By hating me.."
"Why do I think the world hates me?"
"Because Mom hated me, because I'm flawed."

I hate it when I sit here at night... I hate being alone. I feel so empty.
It's sad, because I know that this is what I'm really like. Without someone else to make me feel whole.. I'm just.. this..

Mandie said she'd send me more messages later, and hasn't yet. I've lost faith in her.. I don't think she will. I don't think this will work out either, just being casual friends. I don't think I can do it, and I won't get hurt again.

i just wanted to know that she loved me...

I had a hard day.. I talked about something that happened with my mother in therapy.. I almost cried, but managed to stop myself. I did cry later though.. I played my emergency song, Sister by the nixons, and it just made me bawl. I was crying, and screaming "I hate you!" as loud as I could until my throat started to hurt. Like if I yelled loud enough.. my mother and brother would hear me. I hate them for leaving me... I love them too.
I had to cut myself in the car, I used my swiss army knife. I always thought that I would be too much of a sissy to cut myself with anything duller than a razor blade, but it wasn't that bad at all.
What I talked about in therapy..
My room has always been sacred space to me. One day when my dad was driving me home from school, he told me that my mother was in my room cleaning it.
I came in very upset. Mind you, I was not angry.. I never expressed anger for my mother. I was just scared and upset, and I begged her to leave my room.
She got mad at me for that and eventually left. I don't remember most of it, I just remember that she was furious. She was yelling all sorts of insults at me.
I followed her to her door, sobbing. I said to her "I'm so sorry.. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I don't want your forgiveness, just please tell me that you still love me."
And she slammed the door on me.

Sitting in bed, thinking

I had this sudden desire to go back in time...
To just relive a random memory...
It would be nice..
To see them again, when we were happy.

Research Paper Informaticon

So I sat down at my computer about 50 mintues before I had to leave for class and managed to type out, in 15 minutes, a response essay to the movie we watched, Samurai X.
Only, whenI burned the file, it somehow became corrupted, and Iw asn't able to print it out. She's going to let me e-mail it to her. While I was writing this however, I discovered what I really want to do my final research paper on. I want to write it on the cycles of violence/revenge, learning, and life. I want to pull examples from the Illiad, Hamlet, and Samurai X. I'm going to point out how each one shows that violence begets more violence. I'm going to talk about the cycle of learning and how one progresses from knowing nothing/child to knowing the basics/novice and the ambition and foolishness that accompany that stage, and finally the wisened adult stage, where one learns from their mistakes. I'm going to talk about how life is a cycle of forming one's self, wanting to share one's self/fighting with others' sharing of their self, and finally learning what one can and cannot change. It may not make sense, but by God I will make it make sense on my paper.
Now I just need to find evidence to back me up... For sources I want to use the Illiad, Hamlet, Samurai X, and then probably various psychology sources. I'll look up books on revenge, books on stages of life, books on learning from tragedy.
I can do this damn it.

On Hope

Also, I discovered something about work. One of the reasons my therapist was pushing me to get a job.. work has a social environment. It's small, so I can handle it. It's something I "have to do" so I'm not being too vulnerable by saying that I actually enjoy spending time with those people.
It's helping me socialize a little and learn how to socialize.
It's really healthy for me, to have some people to talk to.
At first, I was terribly shy.. but thanks to Dawn's outgoing nice nature, I've been able to open up a little.
I talk to Hunter the other day, we went to the same elementary school.
He's the first person there I've talked to about my social anxiety, and it was nice to hear that his sister has that problem.. Well not nice for her, but nice to know that he probably truly understood it.
I feel that way about being borderline, like I can tell people, but they don't reallly know what it's like until they've experienced it or lived with it.
I can't describe the hysterical manner in which I act when I lose it with my dad.. the things that come out of my mouth.
I want to go to group therapy.. talk to other people like me.
I want to know that I'm not alone, and that they can have stable relationships or friendships..
I want hope.
I've been switching back and forth between anger/sadness and happiness.
It's really fast reall confusing switching, so I'm trying to repress it a little.

"Yet, for a borderline, relationships often disintegrate quickly. Maintaining closeness with a borderline requires an understanding of the syndrome and a willingness to endure a long walk on a perilous tightrope. Too much closeness threatens the borderline with suffocation. Keeping one's distance or leaving a borderline alone--even for brief periods--recalls the sense of abandonment she felt as a child. In either case the borderline reacts intensely.
In a sense, the borderline carries only a sketchy map of interpersonal relationships; she finds it extremely difficult to gauge the optimal psychic distance from others, particularly significant others. To compensate, she caroms back and forth from clinging dependency to angry manipulations, from outpourings of gratitude to irrational hate. She fears abandonment, so she clings' she fears engulfment, so she pushes away. She craves intimacy and is terrified of it at the same time. She winds up repelling those with whom she most wants to connect."

Also at the heart of borderline disorder.. the rage so intense that it's referred to as psychotic episodes.
The episodes are normally disproportionate to the trigger...
Like my dad and I arguing about the dogs being fed leading me into a rage so intense that I'm screaming at him until my voice goes out, telling him that I hate him, that he makes he want to die. Then leaving and telling him I'm going to kill myself, which I really intended to do... I'm so calm most of the time, but my god.. the rages just takes over.
One lady described it as feeling like you're possessed by the devil.
I accused my father of not having a soul earlier.. I later called back and appologized. I needed to.

Self-mutilation is apparently the hallmark of borderline disorder. On that note, I was thinking about burning myself a couple of weeks ago.. It sounded like a tempting alternative to cutting, but then I calmed down before I could.
Apparenlty borderlines are also often fascinated with the sight of blood and scars, so I feel less weird..

"This chronic sense of nongenuineness probably originates in childhood. the preborderline often grows up feeling inauthentic due to various environmental circumstances--suffering physical or sexual abused, being forced to adopt an adult's role while still a child or to parent her own sick parent. At the other extreme, she may be discouraged from maturing and separating, ad be trapped in a dependant child's role well past an appropriate time for separation. Inall of these situations, the borderline never evelops a separate sense of self, but continues to "fake" a role which is prescribed by someone else. If she fails in the role, she fears she will be punished; if she succeeds, she is sure she will be uncovered as a fraud and be humiliated."

Borderlines usually make good actors.. explains why I liked roleplaying so much.

"In the hospital Elizabeth often spoke of the different sides to her personality. She described fantasies of being different people and even gave these personality fragments separate names. These persona were independent women, had unique talents, and were either admired by others or snobishly avoided social contacts. Elizabeth felt that whenever she accomplished something or was successful, it was due to the talents of one of these separate personality segments. She had great difficulty integrating these components into a stable self-concept."

That explains my Damian... but why are mine all men?

no more to say.. the feelings of insight have passed.

I think I had a flashback today... Dawn, one of my managers, quite often reminds me of my mother. The moods of being either really happy, childishly so, and then the sadness and frustration. The way she just becomes elated over little things.. Well today, she was having problems with bills. She was in her office crying, andI heard her say to someone on the phone "Well does it even matter if I get my electricity turned on? I won't have a house anymore!!" She was upset cause she didn't have enough money to pay both, and it really reminded me of my mother. She came out and set my bank down adn said it was mine and I just locked up with fear. I had a question, but I was too terrified to ask her. It's like how my mother used to be.. when she'd get sad she'd start yelling at me. I heard my mother in my head saying "You're a big girl, you should be smart enough to know how many buckets of sauce to prep! What's wrong with you? Don't act so fucking helpless." That's the kind of thing my mother would say, and she would yell it at me. Then I'd start crying and she'd yell at me even more.. I was so terrified of Dawn doing that, even though I knew she's not my mother and she wouldn't.. So I just stood there too scared to even more for about 5 minutes before it passed..
It was so weird, but then I promptly stopped thinking about it and got mad at my dad.. I think I was partly angry at him and partly moving my anger and fear from that association to a new, safer one.

:(

I'm pretty sure the water outside my window is leaking again. Last night the carpet was a little wet, and this morning it was very wet.
My dad and I argued this morning.
When we weren't arguing, I said, "Dad, sometimes I really hate life."
And he said, "Me too."
I felt like, for once, we were really honest with each other, and we had some basic connection.
That would figure, connection through misery.

Everyday seems more worthless than the last sometimes...

I wish life were easy...

I'm like a wounded animal... No matter how familiar they are with you, not matter how many years you've spent with them, when they're wounded and backed into a corner their teeth are bared. When I'm hurt and scared, I am in survival defensive mode.. My teeth are bared and I am angry as hell.

Like in Kill Bill Vol. 2, she says that she didn't think he could do that to her. When I'm hurt, there are no rules.

she comes in and destroys it all

I called Deb and she's leaving school to come over, I told her I was upset and that Mandie had messaged me.. I won't cry in front of her, but I can do this.. I can be weak, I can trust. I'm so scared, but I have to try..
What do you do when everyone you love either dies or leaves? When your own mother tells you that you make her want to kill herself?
I know nothing about trust, about real trust. About being loved even when you're "bad."
I want to learn...
I don't think Ross would ever skip school so I wouldn't have be alone, plus I want to smoke. I want to make the pain stop for just a little while...

i hate myself most of all

I HATE EVERYTHING!
I had to say that.. Mandie messaged me telling me that she missed me, and she was sorry. That it was wrong for her to date Rob like she did, and now she's close to him.
Well, FUCK YOU. Yeah, it's really easy to go back and appologize when you have someone to help you through things... You took the easy pathetic way out, and I'll never NEVER forget that.