Something I do that bothers me, and anyone who knows me in person has seen me do this..
When I'm in different mindsets I say and feel and think different things, and then I forget later.
So, for example (this is actually what caused the thoughts, I heard the word Dakota on tv and thought of it) there was this horse, an american paint, named Dakota. Dakota's owner didn't really like him, she liked showing horses, she didn't like the actual horses. So one day Dakota dies in a barn fire. The first time I heard that I was so horrified at the thought of the poor thing burning alive, then I thought that maybe he was better off being dead than being alive and unwanted. Then another time I asked what happened to him and I was told that I'd already asked before and we had talked about it. The second time I didn't have that same thought, I felt even worse for the horse, and thought that my earlier thought might have been a little cruel..

I'll forget that I already talked about things with people, or things that I told them. People will tell me something that I said to them, or have to repeat things they already told me before. My opinions change a lot too..

reading and reading and not sleeping

Do you ever cry and not know why?
I used to think that sometimes my eyes just got watery.. because how could you cry without knowing why?
But it's more than watery eyes.. it's not sobbing.. it's just gentle tears running down my face and an empty feeling.
I'm reading When Rabbit Howls.
It's for my immersion paper and it's about someone with DID.
I can see why my therapist thought I had it at first.. I think now that I have some other dissociative problem on top of other things.
I started reading, but it gets hard.. I start to feel so disconnected that I see things weird...
How can I explain seeing things weird?
You know when you stand up really fast in a hot shower, your head gets all tingly, and you see colors in the corners of your vision?
It's like that, only it's gridded across my entire vision.
I feel so blank and numb.
I can't remember a lot of my childhood, and I forget things that I do.
Only, when I see something, after a little concentration, I remember where it came from.
I don't remember last week or the past two days, and they feel like years ago.
But, if I concentrate and work on what I -know- for certain, it becomes more clear.
I don't feel things, I talk about my past and I'm just so numb and empty, that's like DID, but I'm not quite the same.
We talk about my past and I can always feel the emotion draining from my face, and I feel shame because I know that's now how I should react..
Thoughtful and quiet, I hate it sometimes
I have certain words and things that were said to me that I can't repeat.. I just can't.
I'm working on that, though.
I have the constant feeling of impending doom, constant fear and panic...
I also go through those different facial expressions and voices and mannerisms.
Sometimes I smile and talk softly and hold my foot or play with my hair, then I'll get real serious, and my voice gets deep and I stop moving at all. She says I look masculine when I do that, and even Mandie noticed my voice changing once...
She calls it a fragmented ego, it's not quite the same.
Everything feels so different at different times and right now I just feel so blank. Not that painful emptiness, but an objective emptiness.
I don't ever feel like I belong, either. I feel like I'm so different from everyone else, and I'm so scared of everyone else...
I want to sit and denny's and drink coffee but dad isn't answering is phone.

More reading.

Also, I startle easily.

I'll never be.. anything.. anything at all..

I give up, I'm not going to ask my dad if I can go to dinner with him anymore, because I can't handle rejection well at all..
I'm tired of being disappointed...

If you didn't like having people around you, if you didn't like spending time with others, then why the fuck did you have cihldren you asshole?
He thinks children are like plants or something.. you just water them every so often and they'll grow just fine on their own.
People AREN'T like that, and it's NOT okay that you've ignored me for most of my life.

My parents weren't okay, and they had kids, and now I'll never be okay...

If I could ask God one question, I think it would be if it will ever get any easier...
Will there be nights when I don't cry myself to sleep?

When I was writing "I hate.." the other day, my hand kept writing the sentence but my mind finished it differently. My hand said "I hate not having my laptop in class," and my mind said "I hate myself."

Will I ever not hate myself?

I talked to my psychiatrist about why I hate inspirational movies, because life isn't like that.. and he agreed, he said it's not. I said it was cruel to give kids false hope, and he said that people need the castle.. It's why the lottery works, he said, because people want the castle, with the money, and the nice cars, and the expensive furniture, everyone wants it. Having hope for things we know are unlikely is part of being human, and I hate it..

Hope is that small part of me that just really wishes I could wake up and everything would be okay, when my brain knows that that's not going to happen.

It's the part that hurts the most.

Now my dad is mad at me because I told him that it upsets me when he doesn't want me to go with him.. I'll never win.

i hate my life

I talked with my dad on the way home from Ross's and now I'm in my room crying and upset again.. upset, I'm not allowed to use that word. Hurt. Angry.
I will never have a loving father or mother, and I have to come to terms with that, because it causes me so much pain.
The way my psychiatrist put it, my father is a porcupine. Sometimes you just need to cuddle and be loved (not literally cuddle, cause that would be gross) and porcupines can't do that.
I've had porcupine parents all my life though, I always just wanted someone to love and hold me, and they never could...
I want more than anything to not be so terribly alone right now, but I am.
I felt that love and that safety, when Mandie and I would lay in bed together and talk (usually roleplaying) but that's gone now..
I'm here, by myself, and I'm so sick of it.
so
fucking
sick...

Damian

When I was little, I had this idea of what the perfect person would be like...
It was a man, and he was stoic.
Tall, strong, dark, and silent.
The kind of person that not only didn't get hurt, he didn't feel anything.
It was Damian, only he didn't have a name.
He was this concept of what I wished I could be and what I used to protect myself.
I just knew that if I was him, I wouldn't cry anymore...
And when I was really upset or someone was really getting to me I would think of him, and try to be like him.. I would close off and be quiet, brooding, unresponsive..
I need to let go of Damian, I need to realize that I don't have to be that image, whereever I got it from.
I need to stop pulling it up in my mind...
He was like my brother/father, and imaginary family member.
It wasn't until I started roleplaying that he got a name and a story..

hum

I get so pathetic when I'm stoned.
Most of the time, I'm okay, I'm even okay most of the time when I'm stoned.
But sometimes, I start to get sad.
I laid around this morning thinking about things... I wasn't too sad.
I thought about the night she told me she loved me, how I was so scared because I was still coming down and I was on prince. Big animals that can throw me off and trample me make me a little nervous, call me crazy. I thought about riding around in the field, when we both had horses to ride.
I thought about how nice she was when she was teaching me to ride..
I know I'm getting better because I can think of this and smile and be just a little sad..
It still feels like everything happened really fast.
We were best friends and girlfriends, she had to go out of town, she got back, she started needing some personal time, and I realized that that was how it would always be. She would always need personal time. I realized that she would never be able to be happy with me.
Everyone needs personal time, except me.. she also just has times where she decides she needs to spend time alone. But it all happened to fast, I had that realization when she got back, I told her and we broke up.
Just like that, everything changed.
Just like that, she stopped loving me.
I don't talk about it to people anymore, because I know how annoying it is when someone just goes on and on whining about their tragic situation.. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to get over it, but I don't, because that's mean.
So I whine here, but I still feel guilty...
Why do I feel guilty?
I feel guilty because I don't have a right to whine, I don't deserve happiness, and I definately don't deserve to feel upset when I don't get to be happy.
Why do I feel that way?
My therapist says that it's because my needs were ignored when I was little, and I grew up to learn that my needs were not important. She says that kids convince themselves that they deserve what they get, maybe I did.

alone

I was driving, coming down from being pretty high, and I was thinking..
How I was just starting to feel like maybe it was okay to trust someone, maybe it was okay to tell them how you really feel, instead of just wearing that mask.
When I get really upset my first thought it always of how we used to be so close and she'd hug me and tell me she was worried about me. It felt nice, warm inside, to have someone WORRY about me... Like I was actually worth something to someone, and maybe someone could be there for me when I needed it. I felt like maybe there were things to look foward to in life.. That's what I thought, I lulled myself into the false sense of security that someone would actually be there for me.
That was my mistake.
People always leave.
Always.
Alone.

i want a duckling

I gave Mandie some stuff back last night, including the "friends forever" pillow she gave me.
I didn't want to keep it around, because, well... it's bullshit. When things started to get difficult she bailed out.
Ross said he wouldn't be my friend anymore if I killed her. That's not what real friends do, real friends stick by you! Deb said she'd help me.
All joking aside, that does really bother me. Real friends should stick with you, even if you do things they consider bad, because that's when they'd need you most.
That really upset me that he said that.
It also just went to remind me that in the end people will always leave.

hum

My little babies are coming along quite nicely...
Anyone who is meant to know what those are already knows.
I'm especially proud of Kurt..
And secretly, we switched out Josh with another that was more healthy, we aren't telling Josh this.

It drives me crazy..
I have allll these thoughts I want to write down, but when I get home there is inevitably something that stops me from blogging them.

down in it

i used to be so big and strong
i used to know my right from wrong
i used to never be afraid
i used to be somebody
i used to have something inside
now just this hole it's open side
i used to want it all
i used to be somebody

Memories

I was laying here trying to fall asleep, thinking about life.. I was thinking about when I was little, and the family used to all go swimming, or all go to wet'n'wild. We'd bring food and have a sort of picnic. We both had pool floats, his was a tube-like shark one, and mine was a flat lobster.
My brother and mother and I used to play this game with little blocks. The blocks had letters on all sides, and you'd shake them up in this little container. They'd fall down in a random order and you had to try to find words in the letters.. We had so much fun, I remember my brother and I used to try to make up words and pass them off. We'd laugh and giggle..
They're both dead now, and I'm the only one left who remembers. All those times, all those good times, it's almost like it never happened... What proof is there that it did? My memory? I can't trust that, my memory..

You think I'd learn by now...

I hate myself.. I hate myself for being so damn stupid. I've been so depressed tonight, and dad mentioned going and getting some food. Being a moron I assumed he wanted me to come too.. He mentioned he was leaving and I said I'd leave in a few minutes and he was surprised. He told me he'd prefer to go eat alone...
I didn't want to get to tears, I didn't. I was trying... but even my father isn't here.
We were talking and I was starting to feel better, thinking about us working on crossword puzzles together earlier, thinking it would be better when I started talking to him.
Why am I so stupid?
People won't be there in the end, that is ALWAYS the case.

Sadness

No mind altering substances, no friends... Reality is a bitch.
I miss Mandie a lot right now, so I think I'm going to immerse myself in psychology reading. It's this dull ache, missing her, and it's clawing its way up..

My God who is this man.. who hunts to kill?

We had a temporary manager today and I'm sad that he's not the permanent one.. I felt more comfortable today than I have ever before there, and more comfortable than I feel around most people.. He was really casual and nice, and I could actually talk to him.
I was thinking while I was out driving, and I'm not as cynical and dark as I seem.. I told this to Ross on the phone once, recently.. I really do want to have hope, and brightness. I want for there to be happiness, good things.. God I want to be inspired. That's why I love broadway musicals so much, there's so much intense emotion.. It's like me, intense and dramatic. I just want so badly for something more than my life.. I want passion, I want to care about things and LOVE life..
This is worse than sadness.. Deb said that once, that she kinda liked how she was, because at least she always felt something. Sadness so intense is also so true, such a real emotion.. So many people go through their daily lives just feeling these shadows of emotions. I want what I feel to consume every fiber of who I am. Whatever I feel, I want it to be passionate and amazing.
There's this part of me that wants so desperately to live and to feel and to love, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I've let myself become so sad, so overcome. With people like me it's black and white, good and bad. I view myself and others this way.. and I've always felt like I have a good side and a bad side. The problem is, there's no gray.. the two can't be mixed. I'm either dismal or bubbley, but never both at the same time.
I haven't been taking my medicine recently... I think that's why I was depressed. I feel like such a failure over that.. just like always, I go off.. It's not that I don't want to get better, it's that sometimes just thinking about medicine makes me feel sick. I dread the mornings because I know I'll have to take those damn pills. It's not that bad though, I don't know why it makes me nautious.. I'm going to take them again tonight.
The waves of emotions control me all too often though.. it's like I'm at their whim. They pull me up then throw me down. But the worst of all is when they leave me... That emptiness is the worst of all, I think.
Maybe, I don't know. I don't know which was worse, the first couple of weeks without Mandie, or the numbness that followed..

That emptiness is coming back, filling me up, forcing out all the happy feelings.. I have just keep fighting it, that's all I know to do. I don't do terribly well.. but at least I haven't given up yet..

Nightmare

I had a nightmare this morning.. Mandie and I had to be together for some reason or another, and we started getting along pretty well, then I couldn't take it. I lost control and just started yelling at her, and she started yelling back.. In my nightmare she told me what I feel is true, that she never really loved me anyways.. I was living in her house in my dream, and both of our parents were in the living room. My mom was alive. So she stormed out of my room and I laid there and cried, then I cut myself. I came out and her and Rob made fun of me for cutting myself. My parents then comforted me until I stopped crying.

hoopyllehcim

Michelle is the coolest ^.^

Hoopyssor!

Smoked with Deborah again, which is fun.
I'm also doing good in History.
I still miss her sometimes, working on that, getting better.