I told my dad about the things that mom said.. he never realized that she said those things to me too. It was very sad.. I told him how I just have this constant fear that the people around me are going to die. We were standing outside the car, and he appologized for being so glum. I said it was okay and that I was depressed too, then I told him that I miss Mandie.. and I started crying.
He said that I just have to follow my heart, and if I really love her to talk to her. I told him that I do, but that it's so difficult for me.. My heart tells me to hold onto her so tight, because if I don't that she'll die and leave and hate me.. My brain tells me you can't do that, you have to give people space.. I try to make a compromise and it just doesn't work, and I end up where I am.
I told my dad that I really trust her and really care about her.. and she still wants what's best for me.
I really trusted again.. I really loved. For the first time since my mother.. And now I feel like I've lost the thing that made my life most worth living. I feel so empty and lost.. and life just doesn't seem worthwhile anymore.
God, if my mother were alive, she'd be so ashamed of me...