i like the sound of typing

I don't think Deb realizes how much I miss Mandie..
The other night she asked me why I'm so adverse to wearing my seat belt. The way I see it.. I really want to die. If life/God give me that opportunity, I wouldn't want to miss it because I'm wearing a seatbelt.. I know that's bad, but it's how I feel. I'm so damn good at hiding my feelings, she thinks that I'm moving on just fine. She thinks that I'm happy.. and I'm glad. I don't want to be the depressing person that drags people around them down. I always hated that about Shelly, when she would break up with someone she would just be so glum and I would get so depressed just being around her, and I'd miss my friend that liked to laugh and have fun.
If I can spare those around me, I prefer to. Plus, if you wear a mask long enough, you just go into that mode when you put it on. When I put on the happy face around Deb and at work, I convince myself I'm alright. It works for a while at least... then I get home or they leave and I get depressed all over again.
Sometimes when I'm sitting around with friends and couples are sitting together I think about how Mandie I used to sit together.. and we'd whisper about our games and things that made us think of them. It was like we had our own world.. our fortress against reality. Should I be thinking about these things?
People tell me I shouldn't dwell on the past, but at the sametime sometimes I like to keep my happy memories.. Like I was thinking, I told Mandie that if I could I would just go live in one memory. The one I picked was the time at Medieval times, with her and my dad.. I was so happy. But then I thought, maybe I'd pick the time her and I were flying kites in the park, that was happy too.. or maybe one of the nights we laid around until 5am roleplaying. Also, the days she stayed home sick and I'd come over and we'd sit around and watch movies..
Ross said to think about the things she did that bothered me.. but they all just seem to stupid now. In the end.. none of that matters. I don't even care about it anymore.. I just miss her. I wonder, if I had known that we wouldn't be friends after we broke up.. would I still have done the same thing? Had I known that everything we had would just vanish.. I don't know.
I don't know if I'm getting any better without her. I've definately been more introspective, I really needed some time with nowhere to escape, so I had to face reality for a bit.
But.. is this worth it?
I.. just don't know. I'd like to say yes, that I've grown as an individual and I'm happy with where I am.
But I can't, because I'm not happy.
Everytime I go on a delivery I cry, then whipe the tears away and put on the smile while I walk to the door. When I get back in my car, the tears come back. I cry until I get back to work, then put on the smile. Usually I stop thinking about it until I get back in my car.

I'm watching phantom of the opera, I finally burned it. I really associate with the phantom.. No one likes him, in fact people all hate him. People don't hate me.. but I feel like they do. And he's alone too.. and he has found someone that makes him happy who he can't have. Maybe it's just that thing where everyone finds something in a movie that they can twist to relate to themselves.. but I really do feel like we have something in common, at least emotionally.