sadness

I just broke off contact with Mandie again..
God, I hope I'm making the right decision.
I love her, I really do.. I love her, I trust her, and I miss her so much.
I hate that we live in a world where that doesn't mean anything in the end..
Where you can really love someone but have things that you are presently unable to overcome..
I won't ask her to wait for me, because it would be wrong, and because it would give me hope.
I can't have any hope of being friends with her again if I'm going to move on..
By move on, I mean accept that she is not and will not be in my life, and start to deal with that..
As opposed to thinking of when she'll e-mail me next and when we'll be able to talk again.
It hurts so much, and I'm so sad that I had to say it.. I didn't want to. I was avoiding saying the final words, like an animal pulling on a rope. I was struggling and struggling, but there comes a point when you know that you're going to have to do that thing which you don't want to do.
It felt like the e-mail wasn't long enough, but I knew that I could never put everything I want to say in there.
You know what else? I really wanted to discuss the ending of Fionavar tapestry with her.
If you ever plan on reading those books, stop here!


Diarmuid dies, and it's one of the sadest scenes in the whole damn book. I cried and cried when I read it, I was just so upset.. It's a really sad scene, and he dies doing something valiant.. Sharra goes over to him and they have a moment, where he looks into her eyes and holds her hand and words are no longer necessary, then he has his brother kill him. He wanted the killing wound to be done with love, not by evil.
I really really wanted SOMEONE to talk about that ending with.. someone that would feel like I do. I get so into books, I mean my heart really ached when it happened.. I wanted to share that with someone.
I guess I never will