I came to a realization a week or so ago.. Deborah really is my best friend.
I've never appreciated her enough because I've always been obsessed with Mandie..
but lately, I've seen it more and more clearly.
Tonight, Mandie bailed on me.. This weekend Mandie and I fought and she had said that she wasn't going to be helping me with my Carrollton route anymore.. after having told me only days before that she would be doing both my Carrollton route and my Plano route with me... Well, I wasn't sure if she was just angry or if she really meant it.. I couldn't call her because she broke her cell phone and didn't bother to give me the new number, and Rob was already pissed at me so I didn't want to call him or her house. So I waited and asked her at work, and she said that she meant it, but she would go with me that night since I didn't have anyone else.. Well I called Dawn's son Joe that night and he agreed to do the plano half with me for $10 a night. Mandie assumed that he would be helping me that night, but I said he dind't have to since he had to go to get his driver's license in the morning.. at the end of the night mandie goes to leave and I say "Wait, aren't you coming with me?" She tells me she thought I had Joe, I tell her I don't. She says that she gave me plenty of warning, and decides not to help me, after saying that she knew that it would upset me. I called Deb in tears, who had school the next morning.. and after hearing me on the phone she agreed to come without hesitation.
When I needed her, she was there right away. I told my dad and he said "Ohh.. she's such a sweet girl."
He has gone from seeing Mandie as a person I was fighting with to seeing her as a selfish bitch because of everything she has been putting me through. I'm trying real hard to pull myself away from Mandie, I don't know how well I'm doing... not very I think

Everything is so complicated and life is never easy..
Yes, things with Mandie are going to be difficult. I knew that coming into this.. but at the same time.. no amount of time spent away from Mandie made anything any easier. I had a conversation about it with Deb on Saturday.. cause we have similar situations. People say that if you spend time away from them the pain will lessen and you'll eventually stop thinking about them. Well, 8 months didn't do the trick.. I mean sure it wasn't as bad as it was at first. But, I was still just as miserable the 8th month as I was the second and third. It's because this misery has nothing to do with Mandie.. Mandie just happens to be an excellent trigger.
My pain is from my childhood.. from the fact that my mother was abusive and I never thought she loved me.. from the fact that my brother managed to escape this hellhole of a life and abandoned me to suffer it alone.
That's the reason she's so freakin hard for me to get over, and it's not romantic. I keep trying to make her into my mother, make her be that figure of unconditional love and support.
But, no one can possibly fill that role, it's impossible. So, time away from Mandie isn't going to cut it, I need to work on what's actually causing all this pain. I'm not giving into my desire to find comfort in Mandie's company.. in fact I haven't hung out with her for almost a week now. When she needs time with Rob I force myself not to call... but in the end seperation from her won't do it.
I don't know what will.. they say it's a lifelong disorder. I've been trying and struggling for so long.. my life is so stressful that sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. I was telling Deb how the best thing to do is tell yourself over and over "I'm not hurting over Alex/Mandie, I'm hurting because they met a need and now it's not being met anymore. They triggered something in me, but the pain doesn't have to do with them."
It's seperating the two, and sometimes it makes it easier. Deb said that it hasn't worked yet for her, and I asked her how long she has been doing it... she said a week. I told her I've been working on it for over a year and it still hasn't done much for me except help to relieve the anxiety sometimes. We do what we can, right? Even if it doesn't work.. I have to keep trying.
But really, I'm emotionally exhausted. It's like fighting against this undertow for so long.. you know that it will win out eventually and all you can do is struggle and stay above water for as long as possible. It slowly pulls you down for a while, until you break free, and the cycle repeats. Eventually you need rest.. eventually you need to spend a day without crying and without struggling.. but when do I get that?
Ever?

So, Deb asked me if I was mad at her and I lied like the coward I am.. but that's because I don't think that my anger should've been adressed in that situation.
I knew I would get over it, and I knew it wasn't worth causing trouble over.
Mandie was supposed to call me when she got out of the shower and that was 30 minutes ago..
I know, it's not her job to be my support.. but the further into november it gets, the harder it gets. I'll hit my peak around the 13th and I'll just be a wreck until the 21st probably.. Then I'll be good until Christmas time.. I really don't want to be alone right now..
I'm going to lay down and cry

Haven't posted here in a long time.. but that's because I usually only post when I'm depressed.
I was really depressed when I woke up today.. that's always one of the hardest times for me, waking up. So I called Mandie and we talked on the phone until Rob came to lay down with her..
So, now I'm alone again.
She said that she wished that she could do something to help and I wanted to laugh at her. She knows that this is one of the most depressing times of the year for me... yet she still refused to do anything with me on my birthday. So that leaves what.. me and Deb.
I'm not going to do anything.. Deb might get pissed at me but it's my decision. I'd rather sit at home alone and cry then do something with just Deborah.. we have nowhere to go and that's just so pathetic, that I don't have anyone else.
I'm not very happy with Deb right now.. we decided to do the West Plano route together, for $700 each a month. Well, later that day I found out that Dawn's hands are so bad right now that she's going to have to quit her job at Domino's.. either that or drastically reduce her hours. She needs another income, so I thought that maybe her and I could split the west plano route instead of Deb and I. I called Deb to talk about it and she said that she "needs the money." All of her food is paid for, her gas is paid for, she has shelter... She gets allowance. She doesn't need the money by any stretch of the word. Dawn WILL lose her house if she is late on a single payment.. yet Deb feels that it's more important for her to have the money each month.
I've been considering just giving the whole route to Dawn, Deb would get pissed at me but it's my decision to make.. She really needs that money.