In a frenzy to justify taking pain killers to make myself stay awake, I told Josh something I don't think I've ever said to anyone... just cause it's so damn bad.
I hate sleeping, because I lose time, but also because I have nightmares. I told him one of the memories that gets to me most... Ross stop reading it's too gross and I don't want to think of you having to read something like this.
When my brother died my parents made him an organ donor, so they took out all the useful ones. Well, after they did this, they realized he had been in jail within like a month of his dying so they couldn't use them... This isn't the main thing but the thought of my brother's organs being thrown away useless, not in his body where they should have been, bothers me.
The part that bothers me the most is that they took his eyes.. He had an open casket viewing, well I guess that's the point of a viewing. Anyways, they must've done something to make it look like he had eyes, but I could tell. I remember looking at his lifeless face and seeing how sunken in his eyelids were and how unnatural it looked. Nothing like him... that image.. of his face looking wrong, is burned in my mind. I don't tell people about it because it's gross and I don't think anyone should have to think about something like that. I have nightmares about it... I don't want to sleep ever again.
That, and nightmares about people I care about dying... I'm so scared of people dying. It's just that... I thought about how someone can be dying or dead and you have no idea. My brother was dying just 15 or 25 feet from me while I was awake, and I had no idea. He was over there... taking his last breaths... thinking his last thoughts.. and I had no clue. That's how it is.. you never know which day will be your last with someone, and when he didn't answer I just paniced. I thought that I had had my last moment with him and that now he was dead...
There's so much you don't say because you're angry or you're scared of getting hurt... and if you jsut keep waiting.. you never do. You don't usually get a warning, a chance to say all that stuff... usually it just happens and all you're left with is the memory of them and so many regrets.
I don't want to feel that ever again.. and I know I will. I do the only thing I can do, try to say eveyrthing to everyone no matter what. Even if I'm mad, I try to tell people that I love them, so I can know that they knew. I obviously don't always succeed.. I have an awful temper.
Sometimes, I'd like to tell Mandie that I'm sorry for everything that happened and I want her to be happy.
Other times I want to tell her that she's a selfish bitch and I hope I never talk to her again.
I don't miss her so much anymore.. There's no constant pain. I mean, when I think about it sometimes, there's an ache. But mostly, I just think about how things ended and what closure we had and whether or not we'll ever talk again.
I miss some of the things we did, as friends. Moments like riding horseback or laughing together. Just those moments when it was just me and her and we were connected and there was only love, none of the anger that came later.
I hope she's happy... I have to pick that, in the end. I have to be good... because who you are and the decisions you made are all that matters in the end. You have to do what you think is right, you have to stand by your morals, no matter how hard it is. Especially in these moments, when they're truly tested. Sure, you can say you believe in forgiveness, but that means nothing unless you're willing to do it.
I hope she read the last e-mail I sent her.. I told her to judge herself by her own standards, not mine. I said that if she felt that she did wrong then maybe she should think about how she acted... and that if she felt she did right not to worry. Not to blame herself, because the most important thing is that she sticks to her morals.
I don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it.
