November 5th, my birthday is in 2 weeks, and I don't think anyone will remember.
It used to be, int he past, i'd want to wait and see if anyone remembered but i'd be overwhelmed by the desire to excitedly tell everyone. This time, it's easy. I just think of each day and I know that no one will remember and I just don't care. I'm just another year older.
I crashed again this morning, cut my arm. I went months without cutting then broke down on halloween and now today, a week later. I wonder if it means something? Why it's becoming difficult again.
I felt my sleeve and it was wet with blood, so i changed shirts. I felt the blanket i was laying on and touching it left a sort of sheen of blood on my hand.. they weren't deep, but blood seems to be good at getting out none the less.
Don't know what to do to fill the emptiness or quell the rage and fear and hatred.
It reminds me of a book series I read once, The Fionavar Tapestry. Galadan was a half god broken by unrequited love. We was so full of pain and hatred that he wanted to obtain an item, Oden's horn. When it was blown, it would summon the gods of hunt and they would unleash themselves, killing every living creature in sight. I always sympathized with his character for that reason. He didn't know how to handle his emotions or his emptiness or his feelings of loss so he simply wanted to destroy everything, the world and himself, just to make it stop.