I just.. give up.
My manager actually asked me repeatedly today what's wrong.. because normally I at least try to put on a happy face.
Today I just walked around, empty. That's what I am.. empty.
I went to therapy, talked with her about some of the stuff..
I had a new set of memories too. I remembered how when I was little, and my parents were fighting, I went to my brother's room once. I knocked on his door, and all teary eyed told him that mom and dad were fighting and I didn't know what to do..
He'd let me come in there and we'd play video games, which meant that he played and I read to him out of the guide.
Then I remembered that I used to do that all the time.. I cried a lot today. I cry a lot everyday, but particularily so today.. just remembering that feeling. When he would hug me and tell me not to cry and try to make me feel better.. He really didn't want me to hurt. He was more of a parent to me than my mother and father ever were.. at least he tried to help me, protect me.
I'm so mad at him.. I still havent forgiven him for abandoning me. I used to tell myself how no matter what, I'd be okay, because he still accepted and loved me...
I HATE HIM!
HATE.
He left me here in this hell hole.. to struggle to survive on my own.
I just want someone that will love me and help me through this.. I want someone who will say "Michelle, calm down. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I'm abandoning you.. because I'm not. I will be back, and I love you."
If I could just have someone that would say that.. and then leave and come back, I'd be better about it. Just talk to me about my feelings, acknowledge them.
My therapist told me again today that I have to be careful because I'm constantly seeking to replace that maternal relationship I never had. But I read in these books, and some people have someone that loves them and helps them through it.. Why can't I have someone like that?
I hope I did something really bad.. really truly awful..
So I'm just giving up.. I'm not going to hope for anything good between Mandie and myself, and I'm going to try to not think of the past. I try and I try to figure out what's right.. what I should do.. and I can't stop switching.
She's probably happier this way anyways...
I'm turning the reins over to someone else, because I'm just so so tired.
I really hope there is a God..