tired of life.. tired of the world..

You know.. I'm really sick of the world.
I left my house and just drove around crying for a while.. because Ross isn't even a friend anymore. It's like he has already replaced me and moved on. Is this just how life is? Do people always leave? My therapist and psychiatrist tell me that eventually I will find people that will stay with me for the rest of my life.. but I think they're wrong.
I think that I don't even want to try anymore.. I can get a handgun online for like.. $400. I just deposited a $150 paycheck, and spent all the money that was in my account before that on an xbox. So, with tips and my next paycheck, I should be able to afford one.
I've been talking about doing this since I was in 6th grade.. that's a little over 8 years. At least this time I'll be able to prove that I'm not just looking for attention, and that I do follow through on what I say..
I wonder sometimes, what I did differently than Ross and Deb. I've tried to be a good person, tried very hard to do what was expected of me.. Yet when I was a kid, I was screamed at, told I was ugly and stupid by my mother.. She told me that she hated me, that I ruined her life, and that I made her want to kill herself. My father was never home, and his behavior only reinforced what she told me, because he was always correcting me, always pointing out what I did wrong. I think if they had had the option to choose between Tyler and me.. they would've chosen Tyler. They always loved him more.. and I don't know why. He was more charming, better looking, smarter. People liked Tyler.. but not me.
I told Deb the other day how I think that maybe life is a punishment for people that have committed horrible crimes. Like the rest of the world is really much larger, and a spiritual happy place. We would be the people that committed crimes so heinous, that we were stripped of our ability to spiritually connect with others and the world, yet left with the desire for it. It was funny, cause she said that she didn't think her life was really that bad.. and I realized that life doesn't feel like punishment to other people. What did Ross and Deb do that they deserve lives that are happy.. with money, and a sense of love and security.. What did I do wrong? I asked myself that for so many years.. what was I doing wrong? It seemed like no matter what I did, she still hated me... I think, I hope.. that I must have done something very bad. Either in a past life, or in another reality.. because at least then there would be a reason for why I cry myself to sleep all the time and have only 1 friend.
There is something so broken, ruined, and disgusting about me.. I've known all my life, that if people got to know me like my parents did, then they would hate me like my parents did. But we live in a world where people throw away their broken things and buy new working things. Like with Chester.. Nate thinks we should replace him. I say no.. he's all taped and stuff, but he still works. And he has history, he's a survivor, a veteran. But that's the mentality of our world.. he's not pretty and new, so he should be replaced. What about me? I'm broken.. I'm not pretty... will I ever find a place?
I was raised to believe that being selfish was the worst thing I could ever do, and being selfish was ever putting my own needs before someone else's. I could use crack and live on the street, but if I inconvenienced someone else, or put my own needs in front of theirs, THEN I was sinning. I've been able to tone that down, but I still fear being selfish.