So Mandie and I talked... she finally realized what I've been saying all along. Her and I are fundamentally incapatible. We talked and talked.. and cried.. I don't know what to do. We care about each other, but everytime we're together we hurt each other.
We decided to try just talking on the phone. She switched her hours with Rob which I am dreading. Closing with Rob is fucking misery.. but I'm looking into getting a job at 7-11 anyways. It was such a horrible night.
I rear ended someone and Mandie told me we couldn't be friends anymore.
I beared my soul to her at one point and she got mad at me because it was the same kind of thing her mother said to her.. well I'm sorry... those were my innermost, darkest, most painful memories.
I told her why I do drugs... because they're the only time these memories stop.
I remember watching my family fall apart.. watching my brother fall to heroin. I remember sitting in the living room while my mother and father screamed at him, while they cried... While he cried because of how deep he had gotten. I remember watching him leave the house, and wondering if he was dead or alive... I remember the joy I felt when he moved back in with us, and when he promised to come to my birthday party. I remember every time he defended me when I was a kid, everytime he held me while I cried... and I remember how he wouldn't look me in the fact after he got involved in drugs. I just wish now.. that I could hug him and tell him I love him and that he would do the same for me.
I remember watching my mother go from a healthy capable woman to an invalid. I remember staring at her on that hospital bed with her whole body lurching with the strain of every breath. She was so thin, she was so weak, so helpless... I remember staring at her broken body. I remember being on my knees outside her door with my head in my hands crying, because she slammed the door on me. I bared my soul to her.. I told her that all I wanted was to know that she still loved me after a particularily bad fight, and she just slammed the door.
I promised myself I would never beg someone to love me again.. never beg someone to stay again.
Yet here I am with Mandie, not letting go when I know I should.

I've been watching Blow tonight and it's so so depressing...