I would say that Final Fantasy VII borders on OBSESSION for many people..
I've been on a quest to find out the entire plot, because I can't stand not understanding things..
I managed to find a plot summary that was pretty good, and now I'm downloading a short anime about Zach and Cloud's history together.. but it's amazing how many boards go on and on about the plot and possible plot holes and what this or that means...

I never realized that there were weird ad-comments.
How annoying.

hum

I must say, I'm thoroughly impressed.. there was this line that I liked from Final Fantasy VII Advent Children that goes:
Cloud: "Can sin be forgiven?"
Vincent: "... I've never tried."
And, it's not exactly one of those terribly significant lines, so I didn't expect it would stick out to anyone else. Anyways, I made it my MSN name, and sure enough, the next day I got a message commenting on my quote.
It makes me happy.

I cleaned my room and bathroom up, I feel better.
I spent a long time talking to my mother in my bathroom mirror.. it was kinda weird I think. But then, I also think that that's what people do when they lose a relative, they talk to them.
I look at the picture of her, when she was younger, and happy.. and I just want to talk to her. I want some advice.. from my mother. How to.. run my life. Just, the kind of stuff parents are supposed to pass on.
I guess I just miss her a whole lot.. and that's all I ever say.. but it's a constant pain.

Okay, so the two toadies songs I like best, "Possume Kingdom" and "Tyler" are really bad..
Possum Kingdom is about raping a girl out behind a lakehouse, and Tyler is about stalking a girl and eventually raping her...
Does this say something about me?

I watched Life as a House tonight.. and it was pretty good.
What got me.. was the scene where the son found out his father died, and crying he hugged his mother.
Is that what it's supposed to be like? I started crying because I suddenly felt like.. I've been living wrong or something.
That's how it's supposed to be right? You're supposed to cry and hug your family and talk about how much you miss them.
You're not supposed to stare at them, then walk away to the bed and lay down and stare at the ceiling. You're not supposed to stop talking, and just walk around, like a ghost... You're not supposed to go blank and just not feel anything.
But, it's how I've dealt with things all my life.. how could I possibly change now?
And.. it's too hard to feel, in this world. Mandie made me feel.. really feel. And now she's gone, and I don't want to feel anymore.
I want to be like I was before.. empty. Just a shell, going through the motions, not caring about anything.. I want that back.

woo

**If you have any ideas on what medieval London was like, please tell me.**

So, I got a new blog title! It means, or should mean, No Mercy For The Weak.
Hehe, I think it fits my personality quite nicely.

I also started a vampire dark ages game online.. and deb and mark are both in it. Deb knows that mark is in it.. but mark doesn't know about her. I actually got him to compliment her without realizing it. I told him the idea she came up with for her char and we both laughed and I was like "Isn't that clever?" and he replied "Brilliant."
Haha, mark called deb brilliant...

So, here I am, sitting on my floor on my day off, going through some bags of stuff from my car... I keep coming across all these things that remind me of her.
Like, I found the cd player cliff was listening to when we drove to visit frank.. and thought about how we put the music all the way on in the back speakers and turned it up a little so that he couldn't hear us roleplaying.. which he heard anyways. Yikes.
I looked to see what cd was in it, and it's one of his mixes called "the goods" and I remembered him telling mandie and me from the backseat what was on it.

Really... I just want to understand. Understand why... I was so easy for her to get over. How she could just.. throw our friendship away like that. I'm not angry or anything right now.. I just wish I could understand.

I got really stoned last night, and I know I shouldn't have. I was going to quit just in case I ever needed to pass a drug test... but I was really depresed. Mandie showed up at my work and that really upset me... and it upset me even more how much it upset me. My manager said I should not let it get to me.. but I can't. I mean, I was trying to maintain the strong image and explain to her why everything was do devastating to me.. but I couldn't. My voice started trembling and tears started welling up in my eyes... I couldn't maintain control.

I didn't cry at my brother's funeral or at my mother's funeral.. I never cried in front of anyone over their deaths. I could always talk about it and keep a calm level voice no matter how I felt.. but I can't do that with Mandie. WHY?
It was my BROTHER and my MOTHER, they were FAMILY. Yet, I was able to control my emotions over them but not over Mandie... I hate it. I hate not having control over myself.

I got that upset just because she was outside the store and I had to talk about her... I wanted to e-mail her and ask her not to come by there on nights that I'm closing. I don't think that's an unrealistic request.. she can see Rob anytime, she doesn't need to come by my work to do it. But then, I didn't. I don't want her to know how much it got to me.. because I don't want to be an emotional burden. I don't want her to think about me and go "Poor thing, she just took it so hard." The condescending way you talk about someone who was broken hearted over a relationship where the other person was dealing just fine.
I don't want to be like that.. so I swallow my sadness and bite my tongue.
The sadness is settling in my heart again.. it's like it burrows down deep.. it doesn't bother me much but it's this sort of low pain that surfaces often.

Like last night, while we were in wal-mart, and we were reallly stoned.. I was thinking about how I told deb that I used to get lost in stores all the time. I thought it was normal.. I can remember about 3 or 4 occasions when I was a kid where I went crying to one of the sales associates and they had to call my mother to the cash register to come get me.. I thought everyone did that? Did I just get lost more.. or (what I think) did I just handle it worse?
I was thinking about that.. and it's weird how you can experience these strange thoughts and sensations when you're mind is altered.. and I was just swimming through all the memories, that and countless memories of mandie and me going to wal-mart in the middle of the night, her in her trench coat, roleplaying. I remembered how we'd usually buy Yoohoo and toaster strudle.. i wish I could forget.

But, it's not usually like that, not when I'm sober. So really, that one was my fault.

I thought a lot today.. sad thoughts. I used to like being with Mandie because I felt like she really understood me, understood how I feel.. When we roleplayed it was like she really understood the sadness inside me. The need to be strong.. the fear of trusting.. I felt like she understood it all and accepted me still.
I see now that she never understood.. she doesn't know me.. doesn't know what it was like.
Laying in the middle of my room, crying silently (If I was loud, she would hear.. and then she would be more angry) because I failed again.. everything was going good but then I failed agian. She was happy with me for a while, she loved me for a while.. but then I screwed up like I always do. When I screw up she hates me.. and I screwed up. Crying and crying and wanting nothing in the world more than I wanted love.. But she didn't love me.. she hated me.. and it was my fault. I'd have to try harder... be better, make her happy again. Then she would love me for a while.. love me until I failed again...
Mandie couldn't possibly understand what that was like... I know, I'm not supposed to think that. When I do I'm sulking, feeling sorry for myself. I'm not allowed to feel sorry for myself.. I'm supposed to go "shit happens" and plaster that hateful DISGUSTING FUCKING SMILE on my face and pretend like everything is okay again.. I hate that smile.
I want someone with a past like me.. I want to talk to someone who really knows what it's like.. someone else who has been hated.. someone else who feels so worthless. Someone else who knows what it's like to curle up in the middle of your room and cry and pray for God to kill when you're eight years old. I've been praying for death for so long now.. more than half my life.
I'm still praying for it...
Tyler understood.. he knew what it was like. To be the bad child, to be hated so much by the person you love more than life itself. He knew what it was like to let her down.. to feel her wrath.k. but he's dead now. No Tyler... just me.
Tyler feels like a distant thing that never truly existed.. Tyler is a concept of love and acceptance, and there is no love and acceptance, there is no Tyler. It feels so far away.. I wonder.. was there ever really?
It's just so faded now.. I don't even remember what he looks like anymore, not unless I look at a picture. I don't remember what Mandie looks like either.. and I don't dare look at a picture of her.

Everyone says to follow your heart.. but sometimes your heart is wrong. My heart wanted nothing more than to hold onto her.. I knew that eventually she would leave but I wanted to hold onto her for as long as I possibly could.. but my mind knew that I needed to get better. Also.. when it comes down to your happiness or the happiness of someone you love.. how could you possibly choose your own? I would be content with her.. but she wouldn't be with me.. I demanded too much.. I was unhealthy. She deserved better.. and so I let her go.
I want to do drugs, so I can feel peace for a while.. I want to overdose, so I can feel peace for eternity, like him..
For now, I'll just continue to pray for death.

Ahhhh!!

i'm totally mortified...
So I e-mailed my dad to tell him about Mandie and me.. I sent it to ted.marston@comcast.net. Well in that e-mail I mentioned that stuff he was doing for me with my route.. Well anyways otnight we're talking, sort of arguing cause he didn't to it yet and I need it soon.. and he asks why I didn't check up on it if it's so important. I say that I did in that e-mail I sent him.. and he says "What e-mail?" I was like... "You didn't get my e-mail? Oh no! What's your e-mail adress??"
Turns out, he's tedmarston@comcast.net. The other one didn't get returned, so some random person has my e-mail confession that I was in a bisexual relationship with my best friend.
LOVELY.


Yeah, I'm really reallllly embarassed...

hum

I think I might be losing weight.. the pants that I bought a year ago are falling off me a little.. which is actually slightly irritating. I can't walk upstairs with my hands full or my pants will fall down.
Also.. I can't eat much at all anymore. I finally went grocery shopping, and got a few extra things.
One of them was ovaltine.. so I made myself a glass.. I drank half of it (8 ounces) then refilled it and drank another 8 ounces.. then I made two small tortillas with cheese and headed upstairs.
I can't even finish one tortilla.. I'm so so full. I actually feel sick.. after 16 ounces of milk.
It's irritating because I don't like to waste food.. I'll just make less next time.
Still, is that normal?
I think it's cause of the depression... I just didn't eat much at all for a while and my stomach got smaller or something.
I got some healthy little snacks.. so that I can eat often. I got yogurt and salad stuffs..
It's just hard to take care of myself... I just don't care.
I know I can't stay inside and cry all the time.. I know I can't just let this overwhelm me... but it's all I feel.. sadness..

I e-mailed my dad tonight.. told him that Mandie and I were dating.
Now the truth is entirely out there, now he'll know why it was so hard.

I keep trying to deny it to myself.. but I miss her.
I can't shake the feeling that this is some sort of divine justice for the way that I hurt Mark..
I broke up with him and then immediately started dating someone else and completely replaced him.
Mandie and I broke up and she immediately started dating someone else and replaced me...
I guess it's what I deserve.
Only, I'm not going to act like Mark did.. I hated the way he imposed his emotions on me.. the way he'd call and say he missed me and all that stuff.
I refuse to do that to her. For one, it's absolutely pathetic. For two, it's not fair to the other person.. they deserve the right to be happy without being guilted. I hated always having to carry around the weight of mark's pitiful whining.
So, that's why I didn't whine to her.. and that's why I continue not to.
Still, I miss her.
It sucks, to really really love someone that doesn't love you anymore...
And to know that the relationship meant so much more to you than them.

But then, I always knew it was only a matter of time before Mandie realized how worthless I am and that she would be much better off with someone else...
I cried a lot today thinking about how much my mother hated me.. how awful and disgusting and unworthy I must be to inspire that much anger and hatred.
Everyone eventually realizes what my mother saw in my all along.. that I'm not worth wasting your time on.
I don't think that she'd even notice if I gave up on keeping in contact with her.

On a brighter note, I've been thinking about suicide a lot again lately... I don't know why things have plunged so badly.

I thought I was doing good.. things were picking up.. I was happy for a little bit.

Actually, I think I do know what it is. I tried contacting Mandie again. I should've just let it be.. the second I tried it started hurting all over again..
I just set myself up for pain.
Nick used to say I was like Matt Soren.. but I think that I'm like him now. I'm like Galadan.. I want to destroy the world..

Okay, I'm making a vow to myself. No matter HOW GOOD an idea seems at the time, if I am on ANY sort of medication or drug that might possibly alter my thinking I'm NOT going to do it until I'm entirely sober. I keep taking ambien to help me sleep and convincing myself that I can think just fine and doing stupid things. Not dangerous things.. .just stupid. I e-mailed Mandie, and remembered to my horror in the morning what I had said. I'm 99% sure that Mandie doesn't read this.. so I'll just say that I went into her e-mail and deleted it. I swear I didn't look at anything.. I was only logged on for a total of maybe 45 seconds. I decided to delete it on the way to my dad's house, so I got him to bring his laptop out. I was running late for work so I just logged on, spotted it, deleted it, emptied it out of the recycle bin and then logged out. I know Ross, I know. It was bad.. you shouldn't log into someone else's e-mail. But I would've been so mortified if she had read it.. I'm not like myself when I take ambien.. I start acting like a little kid. It was a REALLY embarassing e-mail.
I start talking to Mark a lot.. that's an example of the kind of decisions I make.
So I'm taking tylenol PM tonight, hope that will help me get to sleep.

I hate sad songs.
And 24

Feeling depressed.. I was doing good. Somehow my conversation with Rob turned to the past and made me start crying and rambling. I hate it when I start to just.. pour out. I mean I wasn't just being pathetic and blabbering.. we were tlaking.. but I hate being emotional.
I'm so pathetic.

I got a reply from Mandie tonight.. or this morning.. however you look at it. I'm not sure that I should've responded when I did though, because I was heavily medicated. The medicine that Dawn gives me causes my thoughts to become more slippery.. I can converse a lot easier but I say different things.. but also when I think about emotional situations my mind deliberately sabotages me and makes it very hard for me to concentrate. It was a combination of this that made me just kind of.. talk.
I don't think that there could ever be a good time to reply anyways.. nothing really seems worth saying. I almost said that.. that nothing is worth saying and words are just pointless little things that we spit out to fill the space so we don't feel so alone.. I mean there was no point in anything that I said to her. I know that's what it will be like now, too.. if we even keep talking. E-mailing back and forth those empty conversations.. "How was your day?" "Great, I boght a frog, his name is Bonko. I also played WoW, that was fun. How was your day?" "Okay, I bought more apples."
Okay, so it wouldn't be exactly like that.. but you know what I mean. In the terms of the book "Games People Play" or whatever we'll have very low point conversations... because each set of exchanges has a point value.. and certain friendships only use low point value conversing terms, like "How are you?" with the expectation of a simple response. They don't REALLY want to know how you are if it's anything but "fine," or something equally simple.
I don't know.. I don't know what I'm talking about.. I don't know anything.. and all these words.. are just.. so.. meaningless.
Everything, meaningless.
What's the point in existing if you can't be deep and intense and full of extremes?
I don't want a dull friendship full of "how are you"s and "is the weather dandy"s. I want something more.. and it's going to kill me to be like that with her. But then, the Mandie I knew and the relationship I knew are both dead and gone. This is what is available now, because all good things will eventually end.
*takes the Ambien that Dawn gave her*
This is why my brother was the way he was.. he questioned everything and talked about meaning. This is why he started heroin.. because he couldn't be happy with the world he was given. He's still my hero.. I still think about him and hope that he's proud and want to be just like him. I think that's why I have such a strong desire for Snape to be good.. for there to be some explanation for his behavior. He's like my brother.. dark.. with black hair.. and a mean temperment. Well, like part of him. Does everyone have two parts, or was my family just weird? My brother had the soft side and mean side.. he would torment me until I cried and then he would soften and hug me and tell me he was sorry and that he loved me...
Lock me in the closet until I was screaming with tears of terror.. then hold me until I calmed down. Make fun of me until I ran into my room.. then talk me into letting him in and appologize.. The turns of mean and nice, it's what I expect from everyone now. It's what I'm used to in a loving relationship.. so that's how I twist the relationships around me. I make people disagree with me.. I turn them into villains. If not by provoking them then by convincing myself that's what they are.
It's all so fucked up.

And still.. I miss them so much. Despite it all, I miss them so much. I called my dad last night and asked if he remembered the way that mom used to be all sing-songy about our punishments.. singing "You can't go out because you misbehaved." With that little smug smile.. and he did. It was very validating. He was very serious when he talked about it, but he remembered. He agreed that she acted like she enjoyed it.. Umbridge (sp?) reminds me of her so much.
Yet, despite her sadistic cruelty, I still miss her. Because, no matter how awful she was.. she was my mother. The only one I had.
I wish I could go back and meet the mother in the pictures.. with her beautiful long black hair and her serene smile.. I want the sweet and loving one..
I'm going to lay down now, with her picture on my night table.

It's nights like this that threaten to break down what progress I have made.. I feel depressed and all I want is someone comforting to be with me.
I was sitting at work, listening to harry potter, and thinking about the nights I spent laying in Mandie's bed.
I remember, after I did shrooms, when I was really upset coming down.. I thought about calling Mandie because her bed, with her, was my instinctive safe place.
I went to my room and curled up with my comforter crying... because that was the secondary safe place, another spot I had spent a lot of time with her.
But dwelling on these thoughts only makes it harder, I've seen this so much with other people and now comes the time when I must follow my own advice. You can't keep putting yourself through the mental torture, dragging yourself back to places you'll never be again. The past cannot be repeated, and living in it only makes life harder. I have to put all that behind me and work on.. I can't spend time wondering what she's doing or why she didn't reply.
I try to keep myself busy.. it helps.
I'll feel better when my foot stops hurting so much... work is quite painful right now.
But God.. I'd kill to not be alone right now..