On Hope

Also, I discovered something about work. One of the reasons my therapist was pushing me to get a job.. work has a social environment. It's small, so I can handle it. It's something I "have to do" so I'm not being too vulnerable by saying that I actually enjoy spending time with those people.
It's helping me socialize a little and learn how to socialize.
It's really healthy for me, to have some people to talk to.
At first, I was terribly shy.. but thanks to Dawn's outgoing nice nature, I've been able to open up a little.
I talk to Hunter the other day, we went to the same elementary school.
He's the first person there I've talked to about my social anxiety, and it was nice to hear that his sister has that problem.. Well not nice for her, but nice to know that he probably truly understood it.
I feel that way about being borderline, like I can tell people, but they don't reallly know what it's like until they've experienced it or lived with it.
I can't describe the hysterical manner in which I act when I lose it with my dad.. the things that come out of my mouth.
I want to go to group therapy.. talk to other people like me.
I want to know that I'm not alone, and that they can have stable relationships or friendships..
I want hope.
I've been switching back and forth between anger/sadness and happiness.
It's really fast reall confusing switching, so I'm trying to repress it a little.

"Yet, for a borderline, relationships often disintegrate quickly. Maintaining closeness with a borderline requires an understanding of the syndrome and a willingness to endure a long walk on a perilous tightrope. Too much closeness threatens the borderline with suffocation. Keeping one's distance or leaving a borderline alone--even for brief periods--recalls the sense of abandonment she felt as a child. In either case the borderline reacts intensely.
In a sense, the borderline carries only a sketchy map of interpersonal relationships; she finds it extremely difficult to gauge the optimal psychic distance from others, particularly significant others. To compensate, she caroms back and forth from clinging dependency to angry manipulations, from outpourings of gratitude to irrational hate. She fears abandonment, so she clings' she fears engulfment, so she pushes away. She craves intimacy and is terrified of it at the same time. She winds up repelling those with whom she most wants to connect."

Also at the heart of borderline disorder.. the rage so intense that it's referred to as psychotic episodes.
The episodes are normally disproportionate to the trigger...
Like my dad and I arguing about the dogs being fed leading me into a rage so intense that I'm screaming at him until my voice goes out, telling him that I hate him, that he makes he want to die. Then leaving and telling him I'm going to kill myself, which I really intended to do... I'm so calm most of the time, but my god.. the rages just takes over.
One lady described it as feeling like you're possessed by the devil.
I accused my father of not having a soul earlier.. I later called back and appologized. I needed to.

Self-mutilation is apparently the hallmark of borderline disorder. On that note, I was thinking about burning myself a couple of weeks ago.. It sounded like a tempting alternative to cutting, but then I calmed down before I could.
Apparenlty borderlines are also often fascinated with the sight of blood and scars, so I feel less weird..

"This chronic sense of nongenuineness probably originates in childhood. the preborderline often grows up feeling inauthentic due to various environmental circumstances--suffering physical or sexual abused, being forced to adopt an adult's role while still a child or to parent her own sick parent. At the other extreme, she may be discouraged from maturing and separating, ad be trapped in a dependant child's role well past an appropriate time for separation. Inall of these situations, the borderline never evelops a separate sense of self, but continues to "fake" a role which is prescribed by someone else. If she fails in the role, she fears she will be punished; if she succeeds, she is sure she will be uncovered as a fraud and be humiliated."

Borderlines usually make good actors.. explains why I liked roleplaying so much.

"In the hospital Elizabeth often spoke of the different sides to her personality. She described fantasies of being different people and even gave these personality fragments separate names. These persona were independent women, had unique talents, and were either admired by others or snobishly avoided social contacts. Elizabeth felt that whenever she accomplished something or was successful, it was due to the talents of one of these separate personality segments. She had great difficulty integrating these components into a stable self-concept."

That explains my Damian... but why are mine all men?

no more to say.. the feelings of insight have passed.