Things are still going good, though not as quite. I might hold off on getting the new car, because business is getting slow. I'm not getting as many runs as I used to, and therefor less tips than I used to... I don't want to start having more bills, especially if I won't be able to pay them.
I'm going to have Dad test drive my car tomorrow, talk about it with him. Then I'll see how Friday night goes, and decide on Saturday.
Even still, things are pretty good... yet somehow, I just want to hold my pillow and cry.
Will it ever get any easier than this? I mean.. emotionally...
God.. I really really hope so.

I was thinking the other day about how I'm going to outlive my dad and then I'll be the last left in our little family. I'll have no one... really really have no one, at least no relatives. It scares the hell out of me, and I don't know that I'll be able to make it through that. I burried my brother and my mother... I can't imagine my father. I don't want to write another speech about how great someone I love "was" and I don't want to carry another coffin carrying a piece of my soul.
I would be a pall bearer, too. I would, it is what I've always done. I hope he has many years left, because I don't think I'll be able to live without him...

I'm so sick and tired of everyone leaving... not him too.
I feel so old, so worn out, and so very tired..

i've spent a lot of time with my dad over the past few days... it has been nice.
we stayed up all night at denny's a couple times..
last night we ate, i watched some of crouching tiger hidden dragon and he scratched his lotto tickets... i did a few crosswords with his help.
I watched more of the movie... then we played with his tarot cards.
my question for one reading was just sort of a vague reference to mandie.. he didn't see the message in that reading but I did. There was an obnoxious guy ranting next to us distracting him.
We did a few more, and it's kinda funny, cause the next time he tried for me I told him that I wasn't thinking of anything in specific. My thoughts were "I want this reading to be about what's in my heart... what I need to hear about."
As soon as the cards were down he said "This really seems like it's about Mandie again."
I didn't see it, but he explained what he saw. It was interesting... one of the readings did show about how my life is kind of falling into place right now, everything seems to be going right for a change.

does it ever get better?

same shit different year... as my mother used to say.
Feelings of sadness... emptiness... loss... being lost... confusion.
Boredom, and fear.
I wish that Josh would go home so that Deb could stay the night with me.
It's sad... it would just be nice to not be alone, if only for a little while.
But then when she's here, I sometimes wish I was alone so that I could cry...
That's me, never happy with what I have.

lots of letters set in arrangements to form words to convey a meaningless message...

So I made this really long post and then, just to be safe, I copied it to my clipboard. Cause, my internet was messing up a lot.. what I didn’t anticipate was that I’d wake up and my computer would have restarted itself… I really don’t know how that happens.

So basically.. I can’t remember exactly what it said. I was wondering why I always torture myself… because I went and read some of my last conversations with Mandie again. Like.. by re-reading the words I can feel like maybe she still misses me. It’s pathetic.. but at least I haven’t e-mailed her again. I have to use self-control. That’s Michelle… always restrained. For once I’d like to do something with complete abandon… without worrying about the consequences or what others would think.

Something I was thinking about a lot today… in our conversation Mandie told me I had been cold. When we talked outside psychology… I had purposefully forced all emotion out of my voice. I thought that she was thinking how pathetic I was.. because though I was barely managing to keep my voice level I had this big tears rolling down my face. I tried to avoid eye contact… I didn’t want her to see the tears.. I didn’t want to give into the urge to hug her and beg her not to leave me like everyone else did. Instead I said goodbye and watched her leave… I was really trying not to impose my emotions on her, and to save face to be honest. When Mark and I broke up, I hated that he called me with that whiney voice and said “I miss you..” all the time, because he was using his pain to guilt me. I didn’t want to be like that… so I tried very hard to hide my pain. I called her afterwards to appologize for being cold… but she said in the MSN conversation that I even sounded cold when I called to appologize…

I don’t know how to be any other way. That’s how I’ve gotten through life.. I thought she realized that by now. I just sink back into my shell and let the cold face come over me and take care of everything. I become distanced and I’m the impenetrable Michelle… not letting anything in or out. I mean, I’m not literally impenetrable, but it helps. When you tell yourself something enough (“My mind is my space and mine alone… no one can get me here no matter what. They can’t hurt me here.”) it starts to become true. I don’t know how else to explain it… but eventually it helps. You really start to cut off and sort of… drift away. Anyways, that’s how I’ve always operated. Cold and calculating, when I’m hurt at least. I thought she knew that… I thought she knew that that’s where Damian came from. The cold face.

So often, I have good intentions.. they just don’t work out. My main reason for breaking up with her… I was tired of always holding her back and being angry with her. I knew it wasn’t fair.. I knew I needed to change it. I knew she would always need space… I hoped we could spend some time a little distanced and I could work through it and still be friends with her, and maybe even that we could date again eventually. Of course, I would’ve understood if she didn’t stand around and wait (which she definitely didn’t /bittnerness). Rob didn’t hurt so much as REPLACING me with Rob hurt. I always dealt with her other relationships, though I was terribly jealous. I was just happy knowing that I still had a place… it was that my place was removed and he was (carefully thinks of word in order to avoid akward pun) placed.

Wow… it’s amazing how much I write when I just let it kind of seep out.

Oh yeah, the other thing I talked about. My memory. When it comes up… I usually just smile and laugh about it and say “I have bad memory.” No one knows how much it really upsets me… the other day I was thinking about my mother. I tried very hard to remember the last REAL conversation that we had.. and realized that I couldn’t. I tried ot remember the last time that she told me that she loved me… the last time she hugged me (which was rare) or even the last time she was truly lucid… and I just couldn’t. All of it.. is lost. I can’t remember much of her after 10^th grade, and before that is just flickers. Little memory spots here and there that pop up.

I feel like I earned the right to those memories by surviving it all, yet somehow, I don’t get them.

But then again, maybe I didn’t. Because, the reason I can’t remember them… is that I just shoved them aside in my mind and never dealt with them. Maybe I took the easy way out.. and I don’t deserve them.

Who the hell knows?

I was thinking tonight.. as I always do when I deliver. (I don't know if so much thinking is good or bad for me...)
I think that the point of my life.. of this life (if you believe in more than one) for me is to learn how to be happy with what I do have...
I always tell myself "If I could have a family I'd be happy.." or "If I could be certain my car is fine I would be happy.." but there's always something I'm missing.. and I don't think it's something I can obtain on the outside.
I think I need to find my sense of security in myself... figure out how to be happy with where I am.

I'm pretty sure I'm right... it's just so damn hard.
I lay here at night and I cry and I cry and I don't know how to stop.. I tell myself over and over that life isn't so bad, that it's okay. That I have nothing to be depressed about... but I always find something.
I can't stop the thoughts...

some thoughts

I've been having difficulty with missing Mandie again lately... sometimes I want to talk about it.. but then I think, "What would we talk about?"
"I miss Mandie." to which he could respond from the vast choices of: "I'm sorry." "That sucks." "Me too." or maybe he could just say nothing...
I mean, if you already know the path a conversation will take, is it worth having?
Doesn't seem like it to me...
I've been having very VERY strange/abstract dreams lately.. one location will blend into another.
Like the night before last, I dreamt I was a buying a bird.. and I was at Petsmart with some people.. and then petsmart became this sort of field, and we were still shopping. Then this little girl came up to us and she was being chased by someone in a car trying to kill her... so the rest of the dream (that I can remember) was simultaneous picking out bird supplies and running for our lives..
It happened again last night, but my mmemory of the dream is fading too quickly for me to remember much.

I started playing Final Fantasy X-2.. and I think I'll finish that before X.

Feelings of hope are dimming... trying to stay upbeat.
Trying very hard.

Last night in the shower I was thinking about when I thought something might be wrong with my car... and I called my dad.. He got all mad at me and said he didn't know what I wanted him to do. I told him that I was scared.. and that I just wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright and that we would get through this together. He said "Do you want me to lie to you?"
I wanted to scream at him "Yes! Please, lie to me. Tell me that you love me, tell me that life will be okay.. and that there's always tomorrow. Tell me that all of this will hurt less with time... Please lie to me.. because I really need hope."
But instead I just said "Dad, I'm gonna do. Bye."
I cried so much...
Why can't I have one of those parents that loves you and supports you and tells you that life will be okay? The ones with the organized life... or at least semi-organized. The ones that make you feel okay when you visit... I can't even visit my dad...the house is too trashy.
I wish, more than anything right now... that I had a family.
I miss my mother and I miss my brother... and I miss the father I used to have.

thoughts then grocery shopping, wee

I dreamt about Mandie again last night.. I wonder when that will stop.
I was thinking about it the other day.. and how when you first lose someone you care about it feels like hours and hours.. and eventually it turns into days.. and then weeks.. it's how many weeks they've been gone. Then it becomes months.. that's where I'm at, Months. I wonder how long it takes for it to become years? I want it to be years sooner.. I want to run away from everything that makes me think of her.. feel for her. Everything. I want to stop hating her, because I want her to become so insignificant that I don't care enough about her to hate her.. I wonder if I will eventually achieve that.
I don't hate Nick anymore... and it only took like 2 or 3 years with him.
But then, I was never as close to Nick as I was to Mandie.

In my dream she was just like she was the last time we hung out.. we were in a mall. Running around looking at stuff and holding hands (that was something I always enjoyed, it made me feel so secure and serene when she'd hold my hand... such a simple joy, childlike.) Then we were in bed and we were talking and giggling like we always did, we were making up new stories and scenarios for our characters.
Nothing significant, just a dream about a generic day I spent with her.

Ross never knew that I like blood and scars and stuff like that.. I guess I never talk about it because it seems weird. I've always thought blood was pretty, and I've always enjoyed scars. That's why I've deliberately done things to my cuts before to make them scar.. but then I end up regretting it because I don't like other people seeing my scars.
Rob and I were talking about scars last night andI was tempted to just hold my arms out upside down and start counting.. but that would have drawn attention to the fact that I cut myself. I did manage to mention that.. which is a big step for me.
Some people, like Mandie, can just sit and talk about these things... but I just can't understand that. They'll think your wierd and that you want attention.. or that you're immature or pathetic. I want people to think I'm strong, and that I'm not selfish.. Because I try to be.. I don't know if I succeed....

I tried reaching out to Nate tonight.. I don't know why I even bother.
He spouts the same bullshit that people have spouted all my life, and is one of hte many people that cause the most problems for those with disorders.
"You have no nothing to be depressed about,w hy don't you just be happy?"
He tells me that I live in the past too much, and that what happened in the past is irrelevent and that I should forget about it and be happy... He hasn't the slightest clue how the human minds works..
Everything you experience in your life builds who you are.. and aLL of it is relevant..
He just doesn't want to believe that he isn't in conscious control of who he is, that there is more to him than he can even fathom. I think it scares him

I maintain this pathetic hope that I'll get an e-mail from her... it's so sad. I scold myself for it thoroughly..
I've managed to keep from e-mailing her.. and I disabled text messages on my phone, so I won't be able to try that anymore. Which is a good thing.

I hope, quite often, that she misses me.. I've been thinking about it a lot lately.
I decided the most likely truth is that she has realized that I wasn't worth her time and is now enjoying her life and laughing at the thought that I'm being so pathetic and lonely over her.

I think she knows that there's a side of me that hates her strongly... and I think she probably finds that amusing too.
I think that I should think about her less, but I'm running low on things to occupy my time.
I beat Jade Empire, KOTOR II, and finished all the currently published books in the Dead series.

Man I hope Sookie ends up with Eric..