i just wanted to know that she loved me...

I had a hard day.. I talked about something that happened with my mother in therapy.. I almost cried, but managed to stop myself. I did cry later though.. I played my emergency song, Sister by the nixons, and it just made me bawl. I was crying, and screaming "I hate you!" as loud as I could until my throat started to hurt. Like if I yelled loud enough.. my mother and brother would hear me. I hate them for leaving me... I love them too.
I had to cut myself in the car, I used my swiss army knife. I always thought that I would be too much of a sissy to cut myself with anything duller than a razor blade, but it wasn't that bad at all.
What I talked about in therapy..
My room has always been sacred space to me. One day when my dad was driving me home from school, he told me that my mother was in my room cleaning it.
I came in very upset. Mind you, I was not angry.. I never expressed anger for my mother. I was just scared and upset, and I begged her to leave my room.
She got mad at me for that and eventually left. I don't remember most of it, I just remember that she was furious. She was yelling all sorts of insults at me.
I followed her to her door, sobbing. I said to her "I'm so sorry.. I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. I don't want your forgiveness, just please tell me that you still love me."
And she slammed the door on me.