sad

I feel so alone.. I tried calling Ross and Deb, but they're both busy..
My dad is out at wal-mart buying another piece to fix the faucet.. which I feel will never get fixed.
Ache.. ache..
Mandie said I was cold a lot towards the end.. but I remembered being on the phone with her on the way to class, a day before we broke up I think. It was so silent.. she just didn't seem to want to talk to me. She actually felt hostile because I was keeping her on the phone.. I could feel the resentment. When someone hates you, you can't say to them "I'm sad, please don't leave."
I never meant to be cold, it's just the only way I ever learned to deal with life, I would just shut down. Nothing comes in, nothing goes out. My thoughts wander away from the painful matter and I just sort of zone out. Physically I'm there, alert, but my mind is elsewhere. Whenever she hurt me, not that she meant to, I just pulled back and let the walls come up.
Ross, if you're reading, this is the part where you should stop. I don't want to bother you.


That happened today actually, and I was impressed with how fast. Deb and I were pressuring Ross to make a left turn because he was taking a while, and he got mad and yelled at us. Just hearing him raise his voice.. I just pulled back instantly. I think it's because he's someone I really trust and I'm really close to, so I was absolutely terrified of being yelled at.. I really can't take rejection from people I'm close to. Almost instantly all I was focusing on was figuring out how to do something on the cell phone he's going to sell me. It was just like when I was little, my parents would start fighting, they would be talking about Tyler's drug problem, or mom would be yelling at me. I'd just sit there silently.
I want this all to stop, I'm reaching my limit. All these bad things happening...