Tonight was very difficult for me.. I was around a large amount of people.
Quite often I found that everyone was having a conversation with someone and I was just sitting there looking at the table.. towards the end I tried to be more conversational.
I felt so incredibly akward, and I just kept wishing that Mandie was there... We'd always whisper things about our games and something that made us think of them.. It was like we had our own world. If she was with me I felt secure.. I thought about how she would've probably squeezed my hand and asked me if I was okay.. She did sweet things like that a lot, it made me feel a lot better.
I had to leave the after graduation gathering thing for a little bit too, because it just became so overwhelming. It's like when you're a child and you get lost in a huge store, like Wal-Mart, and you wlak around crying and looking for your mother.. I feel so lost when I'm surrounded by people, I just want someone to stay with me and take me through the crowds.. But when everyone I know wanders off I just stand there and look strange.. I start to panic, and then I just have to run. I walked off into the parking lot and sat down and cried a little, then calmed myself down.
It would've been different if Mandie had been there...
I have to stop thinking like that.
I have to.