and then the ground just disappears

I came in crying again today.. my dad talked to me a little. I told him I missed Mandie, and he said I should call her. I told him that I can't, that we aren't talking.. He was surprised, he said he thought that we were talking again. I told him that she messaged me, and that I can't handle it right now. I don't think he understands.. he said I have to start somewhere.
I told him I tried and it was too hard.
I've been so depressed again lately.. I think I should buy a gun. Then, when the sadness overwhelms me again, I could just end it all...
It seems like it must be better than this, it has to be.
I told Deb last night, that I have to believe that time makes SOME things better.. I have to because if I don't then I have no hope at all. I've placed so much on that, told myself ever since I was a kid that everyone says that things get better with time. I told myself that, that if I just held on long enough things would get better... all my life. It hasn't happened, and if I give up now, then I have nothing.