feeling better

I found a BPD support group, joined, and made my first post. Of course a great deal of it was about Mandie, and I've already gotten a response. It is SO reassuring to talk to someone else who knows exactly what it's like.. the borderline dance of fear and anger. Someone who understands the intensity with which we feel these emotions..

I caught myself again today, saying we instead of I. My dad asked me to let the dogs inside as he went outside so that they wouldn't bother him, and he was taking a while. I knocked on his door and said "Don't forget, we have work at 6 today!"

He asked me why I said "we," and I got embarassed. This is supposed to be normal for people with BPD, to create other parts to which they attribute different skills/talents and character traits. My therapist also says I have a fragmented ego.. I mean, I'm always Michelle. That doesn't change.. But I do have other... influences. It's so hard to explain.

Mandie noticed it, as does my therapist. When I get upset my mannerisms and voice change. My voice gets noticably deeper, I become more calm and stoic. I begin to act like a man, to be honest. When I'm happier I smile a lot more and act more energetic.

I don't want to over analyze it, I just want to accept it and then deal with it.

I also realized today, after fighting with my dad a lot, that he is right. My memories are very flawed, and he didn't do a lot of what I remember. Well, a big sign of it was that I don't remember anything specific. I just remember the feelings.. feeling like my emotions didn't matter and feeling like he didn't care. I think it's partially the lies my mother told me, because I remember finding otu a few times that she lied, and he insists that she lied a lot. I also think it was partially projection.. that my mother made me feel like my feelings didn't matter so I assumed that everyone felt that way.

Whatever it is, this helps a lot.