almost done with book 3

Okay.. so Sookie wasn't as forgiving as I expected. I was delighted this morning as I got to read, one after another, all the vengeful thigns she did. She yelled at him, she tried to strangle him (without really intending to kill him), she left him and traveled home with Erik, of all people. She even gave him the finger when he insisted to Erik that she was his.
Maybe she's not so bad afterall..
And looking at the dashboard thingy, I realize now how much of my inner nature my little picture represents. The child and the older male caretaker... The dual roles and personas of my life.
My therapist would be smiling at me in that way she does when I realize something that would've been blatantly obvious to her all along. She loves to let me discover these things on my own, with a little guidance.
The child and the guardian, Damian and Michelle.

I'm hopeslessly addicted to the vampire book series that Deb got me started on..
I just reached a part, and it really made me smile. She said that losing Bill (her vampire boyfriend) was worse than losing her parents and grandmother to death.. one of the reasons being that they didn't choose to go.
How true..

Okay, so she finds out that Bill left for a few days adn while he was out became hopelessly enthralled with an old vampire lover.. She has been sititng around for days crying and worrying about him, to find out he was off fucking someone else. And she's still concerned about his life.
I would be, in the sense of "I want to watch him die."
Seriously, if I was Sookie, my one request for doing his dirty work would be that he would kill Bill (haha, I loved reading those words together) and I would get to watch, making sure that he knew that I had set it up. I would want him to see me watching him, knowing damn well that both of us knew he was about to die. That might satiate my vengeance...
Maybe it's just the scorpio in me.

reaading

The last couple of days have kept me pretty busy..
I don't know how to explain how I live, it feels like I'm constantly shifting realities..
Like I get this feeling that.. this isn't real. None of it.. or that it's different from before.. I've been living in this room for a while. Yet somehow, I feel out of place sometimes.. like this isn't what normal is to me. Like there's thought lingering on the edge of my mind that I can't quite grasp.

When I'm in different places my reality shifts drastically. Walking through doorways can be like slamming into walls for me. I walked into my house and bam, different me, different world. Different set of memories.. different feelings.

I opened up to Deborah last night, I mean really opened up. I hope that she saw it for what it was.. me trying to connect. Not me whining. I told her about my problems connecting with people.. and I can't remember a lot of what I said. I just remember looking in the darkness at her window.. and just letting my mouth move and the words come out. I stopped my filter, it was something I did for her. Like a gift, but I don't know if she saw it as that..
A couple of times I almost stopped myself and went "wait, what am I doing? I'm not supposed to talk about that." but then I forced myself to keep going..

I think I gave her some insight, I think I'm learning to trust. I just won't ever trust anyone like I trusted Mandie. After describing some parts of my life.. and what it was like before, and why Mandie and I broke up... She gave me the same release and gratification that Shelly gave me. She gave me permission to hurt.. she said "that must have hurt." It heals a lot when I hear that.. that acknowledgement that it's okay for me to hurt. I never got that as a kid... so I took another big step last night.

Bearing my soul, and instead of shame and rejection and that awful awful hate.. I got acceptance.

Deb really is a good person.

RHAPSODY Link

RHAPSODY Link
Marilyn Manson writes a damn good bitter/hurt song ^^

I closed the back of the store tonight... I liked it a lot better than cleaning the front. I actually had a little fun playing with this massive amount of bubbles.. because no one told me that I should fill the water then add soap. It was fun, reminded me of when I was little. So I splashed around with the bubbles for a little bit then did the dishes.
Ross and I had a good talk the other day.. He admitted that he missed Mandie, and I told him that that's okay. He said he felt better knowing that I missed her too.. and I wondered... was there ever a doubt of that?
I wanted to ask him if the thought of her not missing him ever bothered him?
I don't think she misses us..
Another one of those nights, where I'm laying here thinking about her.. in case all my talking about her didn't give that away. I do it a lot.. lay there and stare at the ceiling and wonder what she's doing.. and if she's laying down missing me.
Probably not.. she's probably missing Rob, or having fun.
I haven't allowed myself to e-mail her, and I've managed to stick to that. Which means that unless she decides to do another random "I want to be friends again even though I already said that once then completely ignored you" thing.
C'est la vie.
< /whining >

musings

I was talking with Deb last night about how to define love, we went through a few ideas..
The one we ended on was being willing to sacrifice your happiness for someone else's...
I said that I would rather suffer than let any of my friends suffer, but I think we decided that this was different.
I used the example of after Mandie and I broke up, I thought about whether or not I would date my soul mate if I met them. I had decided I would not, because it would hurt Mandie.. and she said that would be a good example. So then I asked, does that mean that I truly love Mandie, and that she doesn't love me? Because, she immediately started dating someone, whom I wouldn't say is her soul mate.. Deb said that yeah, I do love her, and that sucks a whole lot.
She also said that it seems to her that dating is a casual thing for Mandie, and that I shouldn't take it personally. I told "I'm going to say this cause I can imagine Ross saying to me 'well Michelle you guys broke up and she had no obligation to you.' I understand that, but I had really hoped that my happiness meant more to her than that, because hers meant a lot to me.. She didn't have to wait a while before dating again, it just would've been nice to be able to believe that she cared about me as much as I cared about her. That's the problem in my life, I usually care about others much more than they care about me.
I guess... I was disappointed.
It hurts, it always does. I swore to myself, in elementary school, after my mother had been yelling at me a lot for a time, that I would never let myself get hurt like that again. I swore that I'd never get that close to someone again... I think I should've remembered the lesson my mother taught me. I shouldn't have let my guard down.. because it was nice, wonderful even, while it lasted. But afterwards... it's not worth it.

RHAPSODY Link

RHAPSODY Link

if anyone reads this.. just ignore this post. i hate whining all the time...

at night, laying here.. trying to sleep.. it's so incredibly lonely
this is the hardest part, night..
i wonder, for a moment, if she ever feels like this.. but then i remember that she doesn't have to sleep alone

Something I thought I should clarify...
No matter how much I talk about my past, or how much I talk of how it still pains me.. I don't consider myself a victim.
I was thinking about self-pity the other night, and I wanted to clarify that.
I was a victim, when I was a child.. of my mother's rage and father's neglect. But.. once I reached about 15, I took control of my own life.
I grew up pretty damn fast when my brother died, since my parents entirely left me on my own.
Since then, I've been almost entirely in charge of my own life, andI don't think I'm a victim.

I guess everything has come full circle, with Mandie that is.
I just hope that she doesn't message me out of the blue again...
if she's going to leave then I wish she would stick with that.
it's getting better, I cry less. The other day I felt really good for a while..
It's a start, smiling at all. Not to mention, for almost an hour.
I played monopoly last night and it made me really depressed, I kind of wanted to cry.
I don't know why, and I really did try to hide it.
I wanted to quit, but no one ever lets me quit...
it's like they'd rather I stayed and played it and got horribly depressed and felt miserable than quit, because quitting is bad.
Maybe I'm crazy, but I'd rather quit when I'm getting upset and maintain some level of happiness, but I guess it's really not about me.
It's better that I keep playing so that others can be happy, because my happiness is irrelevant.
I'm just bitter, because people always do that to me. "no, you can't quit, you have to keep playing."

I don't know if I've ever needed someone like I need someone now.. I cried the entire car ride home. I begged God, like I always do when I'm this depressed, to help me, send me someone..
I'm trying everything I know, messaging people I haven't talked to in ages.
I tried to text mandie, but it wouldn't let me. I tried sending a message to her phone...
I'm so alone..
I got onto the highway going 70 and drove at one of those cement pillar things, but chickened out in the end.
Don't try and call me, my cell phone got shut off. They do that when you neglect to pay it... Dad will have to wait, I'm going to have to put all of this weekends money into it.
Then the paycheck on Friday gets saved for my new landlords... Then whatever is left over goes to food, and the remaining to DAd.
Damn it all to hell, I have enough money to do this, everything just happens at once...
I'm going to get something to eat then cut myself now. I wish I could cut on my arm, but then my manager would see that.. I don't want anyone to see...
I've got all these red scars on my chest, they've been there since Mandie and I broke up...
I don't think they're going to go away, especially because I was really mean to one of them.
I kept tearing the scab and new skin out, for at least a month, before it finally healed despite my efforts.

Today was interesting.. I ended up crying in my manager's office.
I accidentally left two pizzas behind on an order.. I just wasn't thinking.
I got back and found out someone else had left with the rest, and everyone was nice saying we all make mistakes. I did one of those things were I said what I was thinking and let my true feelings show on accident.. MJ said "It's not you, it's the rest of the world" cause I looked stressed and I just said "I wish I could believe that.." and walked off.
I was headed straight for the bathroom, because that's always where I go when I need to cry when others are around.
Well, I almost made it, and I heard my manager call out my name.
I turned around and he said to go in his office, in a nice way.
I started crying the second he shut the door and told him I was sorry.. He said it was okay, it wasn't a big deal.
I told him I have had short-term memory problems all my life and people have gotten mad at me for it all my life (leaving out the part about it being due to a minor form of dissociative identity disorder). He said he wasn't mad, he said that he knew that I was a good, hard worker. He said that he has a reputation for firing people he doesn't like or thinks don't work hard enough, and that if I was a bad employee he would've fired me..
I told him that I didn't like to make excuses and that I was just hoping I could overcome it.. he said that he'd help now that he knew.
I was so afraid if I told someone I had so much trouble with my memory that I'd get fired.. because that makes me a difficult employee.. but he was so nice about it.
I've always thought him nice, now I think it even more...
It is embarassing to have cried in front of him though... more and more people have seen me cry :(
He also saw the child part of me.. that just sobbingly told him what was wrong. Weak.. vulnerable, scared.
I'm so glad he was nice, that was a big step for me. The more kindness and support I get when I'm in that mode, the more progress I make.

I still miss her.
I check my e-mail, allowing myself that much, a small hope. I hope that she replied, but I don't let myself e-mail her.
No reply, I doubt I'll ever see one.
I wish she had never messaged me... it was easier when I believed I'd never see her again. It's harder when she dangles herself in front of me.. telling me that maybe I could have her again, if only as a casual friend.
I know that that wouldn't work... because I still love her.
I wish she would be all gone or all here, because I just can't handle the middle.
And really, she can't be all here anymore.. and I don't want her to be all gone, but I guess that's the best option?
I was listening to reel big fish last night.. "I let her go but I can't let her go."

feeling lonely again.. I almost texted mandie.
then, i thought about it.. how could it possibly go?
i'd ask her if she was there.. she'd either not reply or say yes..
i'd ask her how she was if she said yes and she'd say okay or good.. both of which would just make me more sad..
why do i keep torturing myself like this?
i stopped though.. i didn't let myself.
i keep thinking that she's pathetic.. because rather than face the pain and take the blunt force of it, she ran to the arms of someone else.. had someone else tell her she's pretty and nice and worthwhile.. but then i think, maybe it wasn't so strong to her?
maybe she just dealt with it better than me.
that's kind of the story of my life... having my heart breaking over someone who gets over me rather quickly.
i'm always the one that gets too attached..
i found an old piece of paper i wrote on the other day.. it had "dear God, please help" written over and over and over, that's as much as I told deb..
it also had "please, please just make the pain stop" and "please God, I can't take it.. make it all end" and similar messages written all over
i don't remember writing it.. i find things like that a lot and don't remember writing them

i want my brother..
i was thinking today, about all the times i heard "losing a child is the worst thing in the world" and how angry it made me...
when i lost tyler, i lost the person who held me when i cried... i lost the person who comforted me when my parents fought
i lost the person who cheered me up, who made me feel like i was okay (at the same time, he also made me feel crappy about myself and made me sad sometimes.. but during the big times he was there)
i literally lost my hero, he meant everything to me
he was like a parent..
and i just felt like they ignored how hurt i was
i miss him so so much

I want to feel nothing.. nothing at all.. ever again.

I keep wanting to text message Mandie, and I have to stop myself..
It's hard.
I won't do that thing.. where I ask her what she's up to, and she tells me that she's with her fami'y/horse/doesn't reply at all, then asks why or what I'm up to. I reply and then nothing.
I won't beg for attention.. for affection.. I hate having to struggle to feel some connection.
I don't want to feel alone anymore, I don't want to feel anything.
I was okay before.. It's like you don't miss something that you don't experience.
I was alone all the time.. so I didn't miss companionship.
Then, I had companionship, and now I'm even more miserable...

No matter how safe it may seem to come out... it's not. It's never safe. People leave... She taught me that.

My therapist says I should form a surrogate family.. that there are people that should be willing to care about me enough to be there for me all the time. The books say that too.. but none of my friends would be willing to dedicate themselves like that.

Ross tells me that you just can't expect that of people, and that bothers me.
1) that means that he doesn't meet the standards for the kind of friends I'm supposed to be finding, and I'm really close to him.
2) that's the attitude of most people.. that they shouldn't have to be there like that for someone.
I feel like the standards for a good friend, for a nice person.. they're very wrong.
If you give a homeless person $1 that doesn't make you a good person. That means you're a little nice, because you were willing to sacrifice something small... but so many people make such small efforts and feel like they're just so great.
We give people too much credit... a good person makes a lot of effort.
People are so selfish.

hum

Today was crazy.
I accidentally screwed up an order, well.. it was screwed up when it got to us. It was called into the wrong area and then transferred to us after it was an hour or so late. The people were stoned, so they thought it was later than it was. I forgot their sides the first time, then the second time I forgot the drink..My boss got pretty mad at me and I thought I was fired..
I called my Dad, cried a lot. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world, I knew my friend could still get me a job at Wal-Mart. But it was the actual fact that I had failed that incapacitated me.