The choices were given
And now, you must live them
Or just not live,
But do you want that?

Haligh, Haligh, a lie, Haligh by Bright Eyes

The phone slips from a loose grip.
Words were missed, then some apology.
I didn’t want to tell you this—
No, it’s just some guy she’s been hanging out with—
I don’t know, the past couple of weeks, I guess.

Thank you and hang up the phone.
Let the funeral start, hear the casket close.
Let’s pin split-black ribbon to your overcoat.
The laughter pours from under doors in this house.
I don’t understand that sound no more.
Seems artificial, like a T.V. set.

Haligh, Haligh, a lie, Haligh
This weight, it must be satisfied.
You offer only one reply.
You know not what you do.
As you tear and tear your hair from roots.
Of that same head you’ve twice removed
Now a lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die.
Well, ha ha ha.

I remember everything
The words we spoke on freezing South Street
All those mornings watching you
Get ready for school.
You combed your hair inside that mirror,
The one you painted blue
And glued with jewelry tears.
Something about those bright colors
Would always make you feel better.

But now we speak with ruined tongues
And the words we say aren’t meant for anyone.
It’s just a mumbled sentence to
A passing acquaintance,
But there was once you.
You said you hate my suffering, and you understood,
And you’d take care of me.
You'd always be there.
Well, where are you now?

Haligh, Haligh, a lie, Haligh,
The plans were never finalized,
But left to hang like yarn and twine,
Dangling before my eyes.
As you tear and tear your hair from roots
From that same head that you have twice removed
Now, a lock of hair you said would prove
Our love would never die.
And I sing and sing of awful things
(The pleasure that my sadness brings)
As my fingers press onto the strings,
Yet another clumsy chord.

Haligh, Haligh, an awful lie.
This weight would now be satisfied.
I'm gonna give you only one reply,
I know not who I am.
But I talk in the mirror
To the stranger that appears.
Our conversations are circles
Always one sided, nothing is clear.
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack.
He says the choices were given
And now, you must live them
Or just not live,
But do you want that?

I'm sitting here listening to Whiskey Lullaby and crying.. I want to curse Mandie for ever introducing me to this song.
Last night I was driving around and had a random thought of her. I've been doing pretty good about not thinking about her, so it's okay.
I was wondering.. if she ever thinks of me. I wonder if she's ever just sitting there and looking at something and then suddenly she has this random memory of some time we were out driving or horseback riding or something.. I dunno.
I've been really depressed lately, it sucks. The more scared and depressed I get, the more she surfaces.. memories of all those nights laying in her bed talking until like 5am. I remember we would go "Ugh.. it's 4 AM.. we should go to sleep now... soon.." and then we'd stay up until like 7 AM.
But don't worry, it's not painful remembering.
The song and my life are all that are making me cry...
I try so hard to take care of the people around me, I wish that just once when I'm screaming for help someone would come to me.
Okay, so my scream is a little more subtle than a real scream.. more like little things here and there. Asking Deb to come on my route with me, asking people to stay on the phone with me.
It's the best I can do, I don't know how to ask for help.