I keep trying to deny it to myself.. but I miss her.
I can't shake the feeling that this is some sort of divine justice for the way that I hurt Mark..
I broke up with him and then immediately started dating someone else and completely replaced him.
Mandie and I broke up and she immediately started dating someone else and replaced me...
I guess it's what I deserve.
Only, I'm not going to act like Mark did.. I hated the way he imposed his emotions on me.. the way he'd call and say he missed me and all that stuff.
I refuse to do that to her. For one, it's absolutely pathetic. For two, it's not fair to the other person.. they deserve the right to be happy without being guilted. I hated always having to carry around the weight of mark's pitiful whining.
So, that's why I didn't whine to her.. and that's why I continue not to.
Still, I miss her.
It sucks, to really really love someone that doesn't love you anymore...
And to know that the relationship meant so much more to you than them.

But then, I always knew it was only a matter of time before Mandie realized how worthless I am and that she would be much better off with someone else...
I cried a lot today thinking about how much my mother hated me.. how awful and disgusting and unworthy I must be to inspire that much anger and hatred.
Everyone eventually realizes what my mother saw in my all along.. that I'm not worth wasting your time on.
I don't think that she'd even notice if I gave up on keeping in contact with her.

On a brighter note, I've been thinking about suicide a lot again lately... I don't know why things have plunged so badly.

I thought I was doing good.. things were picking up.. I was happy for a little bit.

Actually, I think I do know what it is. I tried contacting Mandie again. I should've just let it be.. the second I tried it started hurting all over again..
I just set myself up for pain.
Nick used to say I was like Matt Soren.. but I think that I'm like him now. I'm like Galadan.. I want to destroy the world..