woo

**If you have any ideas on what medieval London was like, please tell me.**

So, I got a new blog title! It means, or should mean, No Mercy For The Weak.
Hehe, I think it fits my personality quite nicely.

I also started a vampire dark ages game online.. and deb and mark are both in it. Deb knows that mark is in it.. but mark doesn't know about her. I actually got him to compliment her without realizing it. I told him the idea she came up with for her char and we both laughed and I was like "Isn't that clever?" and he replied "Brilliant."
Haha, mark called deb brilliant...

So, here I am, sitting on my floor on my day off, going through some bags of stuff from my car... I keep coming across all these things that remind me of her.
Like, I found the cd player cliff was listening to when we drove to visit frank.. and thought about how we put the music all the way on in the back speakers and turned it up a little so that he couldn't hear us roleplaying.. which he heard anyways. Yikes.
I looked to see what cd was in it, and it's one of his mixes called "the goods" and I remembered him telling mandie and me from the backseat what was on it.

Really... I just want to understand. Understand why... I was so easy for her to get over. How she could just.. throw our friendship away like that. I'm not angry or anything right now.. I just wish I could understand.

I got really stoned last night, and I know I shouldn't have. I was going to quit just in case I ever needed to pass a drug test... but I was really depresed. Mandie showed up at my work and that really upset me... and it upset me even more how much it upset me. My manager said I should not let it get to me.. but I can't. I mean, I was trying to maintain the strong image and explain to her why everything was do devastating to me.. but I couldn't. My voice started trembling and tears started welling up in my eyes... I couldn't maintain control.

I didn't cry at my brother's funeral or at my mother's funeral.. I never cried in front of anyone over their deaths. I could always talk about it and keep a calm level voice no matter how I felt.. but I can't do that with Mandie. WHY?
It was my BROTHER and my MOTHER, they were FAMILY. Yet, I was able to control my emotions over them but not over Mandie... I hate it. I hate not having control over myself.

I got that upset just because she was outside the store and I had to talk about her... I wanted to e-mail her and ask her not to come by there on nights that I'm closing. I don't think that's an unrealistic request.. she can see Rob anytime, she doesn't need to come by my work to do it. But then, I didn't. I don't want her to know how much it got to me.. because I don't want to be an emotional burden. I don't want her to think about me and go "Poor thing, she just took it so hard." The condescending way you talk about someone who was broken hearted over a relationship where the other person was dealing just fine.
I don't want to be like that.. so I swallow my sadness and bite my tongue.
The sadness is settling in my heart again.. it's like it burrows down deep.. it doesn't bother me much but it's this sort of low pain that surfaces often.

Like last night, while we were in wal-mart, and we were reallly stoned.. I was thinking about how I told deb that I used to get lost in stores all the time. I thought it was normal.. I can remember about 3 or 4 occasions when I was a kid where I went crying to one of the sales associates and they had to call my mother to the cash register to come get me.. I thought everyone did that? Did I just get lost more.. or (what I think) did I just handle it worse?
I was thinking about that.. and it's weird how you can experience these strange thoughts and sensations when you're mind is altered.. and I was just swimming through all the memories, that and countless memories of mandie and me going to wal-mart in the middle of the night, her in her trench coat, roleplaying. I remembered how we'd usually buy Yoohoo and toaster strudle.. i wish I could forget.

But, it's not usually like that, not when I'm sober. So really, that one was my fault.