I thought a lot today.. sad thoughts. I used to like being with Mandie because I felt like she really understood me, understood how I feel.. When we roleplayed it was like she really understood the sadness inside me. The need to be strong.. the fear of trusting.. I felt like she understood it all and accepted me still.
I see now that she never understood.. she doesn't know me.. doesn't know what it was like.
Laying in the middle of my room, crying silently (If I was loud, she would hear.. and then she would be more angry) because I failed again.. everything was going good but then I failed agian. She was happy with me for a while, she loved me for a while.. but then I screwed up like I always do. When I screw up she hates me.. and I screwed up. Crying and crying and wanting nothing in the world more than I wanted love.. But she didn't love me.. she hated me.. and it was my fault. I'd have to try harder... be better, make her happy again. Then she would love me for a while.. love me until I failed again...
Mandie couldn't possibly understand what that was like... I know, I'm not supposed to think that. When I do I'm sulking, feeling sorry for myself. I'm not allowed to feel sorry for myself.. I'm supposed to go "shit happens" and plaster that hateful DISGUSTING FUCKING SMILE on my face and pretend like everything is okay again.. I hate that smile.
I want someone with a past like me.. I want to talk to someone who really knows what it's like.. someone else who has been hated.. someone else who feels so worthless. Someone else who knows what it's like to curle up in the middle of your room and cry and pray for God to kill when you're eight years old. I've been praying for death for so long now.. more than half my life.
I'm still praying for it...
Tyler understood.. he knew what it was like. To be the bad child, to be hated so much by the person you love more than life itself. He knew what it was like to let her down.. to feel her wrath.k. but he's dead now. No Tyler... just me.
Tyler feels like a distant thing that never truly existed.. Tyler is a concept of love and acceptance, and there is no love and acceptance, there is no Tyler. It feels so far away.. I wonder.. was there ever really?
It's just so faded now.. I don't even remember what he looks like anymore, not unless I look at a picture. I don't remember what Mandie looks like either.. and I don't dare look at a picture of her.

Everyone says to follow your heart.. but sometimes your heart is wrong. My heart wanted nothing more than to hold onto her.. I knew that eventually she would leave but I wanted to hold onto her for as long as I possibly could.. but my mind knew that I needed to get better. Also.. when it comes down to your happiness or the happiness of someone you love.. how could you possibly choose your own? I would be content with her.. but she wouldn't be with me.. I demanded too much.. I was unhealthy. She deserved better.. and so I let her go.
I want to do drugs, so I can feel peace for a while.. I want to overdose, so I can feel peace for eternity, like him..
For now, I'll just continue to pray for death.