I got a reply from Mandie tonight.. or this morning.. however you look at it. I'm not sure that I should've responded when I did though, because I was heavily medicated. The medicine that Dawn gives me causes my thoughts to become more slippery.. I can converse a lot easier but I say different things.. but also when I think about emotional situations my mind deliberately sabotages me and makes it very hard for me to concentrate. It was a combination of this that made me just kind of.. talk.
I don't think that there could ever be a good time to reply anyways.. nothing really seems worth saying. I almost said that.. that nothing is worth saying and words are just pointless little things that we spit out to fill the space so we don't feel so alone.. I mean there was no point in anything that I said to her. I know that's what it will be like now, too.. if we even keep talking. E-mailing back and forth those empty conversations.. "How was your day?" "Great, I boght a frog, his name is Bonko. I also played WoW, that was fun. How was your day?" "Okay, I bought more apples."
Okay, so it wouldn't be exactly like that.. but you know what I mean. In the terms of the book "Games People Play" or whatever we'll have very low point conversations... because each set of exchanges has a point value.. and certain friendships only use low point value conversing terms, like "How are you?" with the expectation of a simple response. They don't REALLY want to know how you are if it's anything but "fine," or something equally simple.
I don't know.. I don't know what I'm talking about.. I don't know anything.. and all these words.. are just.. so.. meaningless.
Everything, meaningless.
What's the point in existing if you can't be deep and intense and full of extremes?
I don't want a dull friendship full of "how are you"s and "is the weather dandy"s. I want something more.. and it's going to kill me to be like that with her. But then, the Mandie I knew and the relationship I knew are both dead and gone. This is what is available now, because all good things will eventually end.
*takes the Ambien that Dawn gave her*
This is why my brother was the way he was.. he questioned everything and talked about meaning. This is why he started heroin.. because he couldn't be happy with the world he was given. He's still my hero.. I still think about him and hope that he's proud and want to be just like him. I think that's why I have such a strong desire for Snape to be good.. for there to be some explanation for his behavior. He's like my brother.. dark.. with black hair.. and a mean temperment. Well, like part of him. Does everyone have two parts, or was my family just weird? My brother had the soft side and mean side.. he would torment me until I cried and then he would soften and hug me and tell me he was sorry and that he loved me...
Lock me in the closet until I was screaming with tears of terror.. then hold me until I calmed down. Make fun of me until I ran into my room.. then talk me into letting him in and appologize.. The turns of mean and nice, it's what I expect from everyone now. It's what I'm used to in a loving relationship.. so that's how I twist the relationships around me. I make people disagree with me.. I turn them into villains. If not by provoking them then by convincing myself that's what they are.
It's all so fucked up.

And still.. I miss them so much. Despite it all, I miss them so much. I called my dad last night and asked if he remembered the way that mom used to be all sing-songy about our punishments.. singing "You can't go out because you misbehaved." With that little smug smile.. and he did. It was very validating. He was very serious when he talked about it, but he remembered. He agreed that she acted like she enjoyed it.. Umbridge (sp?) reminds me of her so much.
Yet, despite her sadistic cruelty, I still miss her. Because, no matter how awful she was.. she was my mother. The only one I had.
I wish I could go back and meet the mother in the pictures.. with her beautiful long black hair and her serene smile.. I want the sweet and loving one..
I'm going to lay down now, with her picture on my night table.