I twisted my ankle tonight, and that sucks.
But, I got employee of the month for the third month in a row.. the third month since they started doing it.
Well.. I made driver of the month the first month and employee of the month for the last two.

Mandie never replied to my e-mail.. but I have to accept her decision, and I will.

hum

I've been feeling pretty good lately.. I finally got up the nerve to e-mail Mandie again. Yes, it took nerve.. because I had to overcome the feelings of pathetic-ness. I talked to my dad about it.. I'm going to tell him that here and I were dating soon. I just don't know how yet.. maybe by e-mail, that way I wouldn't have to face his reaction. He said "Don't you still have her number?" and I was like "Dad! I can't call.. it's bad enough that I e-mailed her again." "When did you last e-mail her?" "Two months ago, but she never replied." "So why don't you just call her?" "Because if she didn't reply there's a reason, and I'm not going to go begging someone to be my friend. I'm not pathetic like that.. if she doesn't reply to this to at least tell me 'No, I don't want to be your friend.' then I'll give up."
He doesn't understand my views on strength and weakness.. or maybe they're just so much like mom's were and that scares him. He saw what she was like, always holding in the pain so that others wouldn't "win." Never being able to admit that he had hurt her feelings.. always turning it into anger and indignation.
I know that in many ways he doesn't want me to be like her, and I also know that in many ways I am very much like her.. but that's the thing. I'm so very scorpio that I like being this way, it's how I feel, it's how I want to be. I want to be secretive, I want to appear strong. Strength is the most important thing..

stuff stuff and more stuff

I think this is what moving on is.. it's not that you stop caring about them and don't miss them at all. It's just that you can function and be mostly happy.. I think when you really love someone you'll always miss them a little. I'd like to try talking to her again.. to try reclaiming some sort of friendship.. but she already knows that. I'm going to wait, so that she contacts me when she's ready, if.

My manager actually sold me some of her pain pills tonight. I gave her $10 and she gave me a pretty large amount... half a bottle I think. I didn't want to offer before because I was afraid she'd feel like she was selling drugs or something.. I didn't want her to feel like shew as doing something wrong. This is medicine for when my head begins to pound for hours (like tonight) or when my back hurts. It's a legitimate reason.. I just have no insurance and doctor fear.

I have a real anger problem... I realized today in the shower that one of the main reasons it bothered me that Mandie never got mad was that that's how my fmaily communicated. It just felt wrong to be around someone, have a problem with them, and not have them yell at me.
Today in Wal-Mart was waiting on my glasses.. and I had work. I waited about 15 - 20 minutes, at which point I was definately going to be late (I'd called in ahead to warn them just in case). I was so furious because there was only one guy working and he was just taking his sweet time.. and there was still someone in front of me. Dad called out to me because he had happened to be in Wal-Mart too.. I ranted to him that the moron in the vision center was taking forever and I was already late for work. I asked him to get my glasses.. he said "Okay, but they usually like to adjust them." I said "I don't care what they want, I want my glasses!" I left quickly and angrily, because I knew I was losing my temper. On the way to my car I started shaking and then crying. I get so incredibly angry sometimes that I just cry... because I want to lash out and hurt them so bad and I can't. I'm just so furious and I can't control it.. I scream and cry and shake.. I don't know why I get angry like that. It's bad.. I need to work on it.

I hate going days without working... it makes me very lonely.
It wouldn't be so bad.. but none of my friends are online. The few that I have.
The more time I spend sitting around... the more I think about her. Bad.

I was telling Deb today about something I enjoyed about hanging out with Mark and Mandie... I felt so loved. It's a very nice and warm feeling.. being around two people who feel for you strongly.

I have to admit it, I had a lot of fun hanging out with them together.

I don't want any more of this..

I'm feeling really alone...
So cold and empty.

I saw Ross again and that was nice.
I had a good day, I really can't complain. I think that I truly do belong on medication... because no matter how good my day goes... I feel depressed in the end. I don't know if that's a reaction to my fears about my future.... about whether or not I'm ever going to succeed... or if it's just generalized anxiety.
School started again, and it occurred to me for the first time that Mandie... No. Stop. Stop those thoughts, stop all Mandie related thoughts.
That's what my therapist says to do with thoughts I shouldn't have... thoughts of anxiety and guilt. Just stop them and try to think about something else.
I had a lot of fun thinking about Damian today... in that way where I drift off in thought and just imagine. It's fun to imagine someone that is purely your own creation... you see in your head what they look like. Imagine their voice.. the way they would act. It's fun to get lost in my own head.
Sometimes I'll get in my car and just drift... drift very far away. When I get back to the store it actually feels like a different world... and I know what I'm doing. It's probably not healthy.. it's how I lived most of my childhood. Not being grounded in the here and now but wandering aimlessly and living in my own head. I actually prefer to be in my room, alone, with my computer...

So.. it's the 8th today. 25 years ago today Tyler was born.. on 8/8/80.
I miss him a lot.. and I wonder if he's watching over me right now.
I called Dad but he was sleeping so I let him get back to sleep... we might go out to dinner tonight. He said we probably could... but then if I know Dad he'll go "Actually, I think I'm going to spend some time alone. I just want to think, you know? I'm sorry honey.. maybe tomorrow we can go to Denny's." And I'll go "It's alright, don't worry about it. I'm tired anyways.." He's ask me if I'm sure then say thanks and that he's sorry a few more times. Then we'll get off the phone and I'll cry and cry and cry.. Cry because of the feelings of rejection because yet again he doesn't want to spend time with me... cry because this was the one day I didn't want to be alone more than any other. Cry because I miss Tyler.. Mom.. and Mandie. Cry because no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, people will always leave you. That's just part of life..
The only people I spend time with now are really Deb and Josh.. we hang out and get stoned, pretty damn stoned.
I dreamt last night about what my life would be like if something were different... I don't remember what.. I think it was if my Dad had died too... or maybe it was if Mandie died. (I might have dreamt that she was still with me). In my dream I had become this druggie who was constantly on one thing or another, just to ease the pain for a while.
To ease the pain... that's like my goal. I know it never stops, but just to ease it for a while.
I miss her, but it's getting easier. It's not that life is as good as it was before, but I've become accustomed to this. I no longer expect anything different and barely remember it. That's another goal... to forget it all.

I drank and smoked tonight and felt better for a while.
I miss Tyler

I miss Tyler so damn much.. it hurts... all the time it hurts...
what I wouldn't do for just one more day.. or even one more hour.
just to have a small chance to hug him and tell him that i love him and hear the same returned...
I would kill, and I mean that literally.

This perosnt hat people see everyday isn't the real me.. it's this persona that I have created to interact with the world. It smiles and acts cheerful and does its work while humming a tune. People like it, and they don't like me.. so I use it almost constantly.
Everyday I wonder more and more if the people I thought I remembered in my life ever really existed or if they're not just some pleasant thing I dreamed up.. My brother and Mandie... did they ever truly exist? It's like when you dream you can fly, only you're dreaming that someone actually lvoes you for who you are and is actually willing to be with you and support you until the day you die because YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET TO DIE FIRST GOD DAMN IT.

I don't want to outlive everyone I know

Where to start... that point where words seem insufficient.
I've read like.. three books in a week. And by read, I mean listened to. It has been good.. I've been thinking about them a lot.. Earlier, I had all these thoughts, racing around in my head. I want so badly to put them down, to prove that they existed... but they disappeared as quickly as they appeared.
I hate the way that happens... I have these thoughts which feel so important to me and I think that if they're this important there's now ay I could forget them, but then here I am, ready to type and drawing a blank. I feel like I've had them stolen from me... I earned them, I had them..
My eyes are just glazing over as I get lost and lost in the muddle. The muddle is sort of this... protection that my brain has. When I start to get into serious territory, territory that could be upsetting me... suddenly my thoughts will start to confuse me, and i'll just start to get sort of lost.
When I used to talk abuot Tyler with my therapist, or Mandie now (not that I still see the therapist) I would start to talk slowly and my eyes would sort of glaze over and I couldn't for the life of me remember what I was about to say and none of what we were talking about would make sense.
I do know that I cried a lot on the way home.. and something about how no matter how good the things around me in my life are going, I'm still depressed. Because the real problem is in me... this sort of blackness evil that's eating me from the inside out, this depression.
Suicide seems more viable every day.

I finished the second book of the set I was listening to... it was so hard. Going through her life, and recovery.. she was like me in so many ways. Now I'm listening to something else...

I feel a lot better, about everything.. at least for now. I miss Mandie, but I think it's entirely on the merit of "she was my friend" rather than "I can't survive alone." I thought about talking to her again, that I think I'm ready and can handle it... then I remembered, I decided to stop sending her e-mails because I couldn't control my moods or emotions anymore, and they were just swinging like crazy and I kept sending her all this different stuff.. and the last one I sent her DID say I wanted to be friends with her again. So, that's the last message she got from me anyways... and she never replied. I guess she's either unwilling or not ready... either way I'm just going to remain silent.

I'm used to being alone again... it was hard, very hard. But, nothing works as good as cold turkey, I suppose. That's the way my life has always been... no careful acclimation just diving right in. Like when my mother died... some might say that her whole life (with me) was a slow acclimation, because she had cancer for a long time and we all knew it was coming... only she went to the hospital all the time. I expected that this time she would come home like every other time... I didn't realize she wouldn't until the day before she died. Just like.. no more mother. My last words with her were spoken to a face that looked both strained and very far away... I'm not sure if she even heard me. If she couldn't.. I'm sure she was watching from somewhere else because she hung on until all her sisters got there to say goodbye. I wish I could've had a chance... to say those things I never said. "I forgive you.." I wish we could have had one of those movie moments.. where you cry and finally connect on that way you never could before.. I wish a lot of things..
Most of all.. I wish my brother were here to guide me.. tell me what to do.. most importantly tell me that everything will be alright and that Mandie is stupid for making me cry (like he always did with Shelly) and maybe even offer to beat her up (like he always did with Shelly). I would never actually ask him to, but the fact that he offered meant the world to me..
Failing that, I wish I could talk to Mandie... Aug 8th (Tyler's birthday) is coming up and I hate to face it alone.. Dad always pulls in on himself and never comforts me on those days.. and I can't blame him. I wish I had someone close... so I wouldn't have to cry alone.
If God listens to prayers or wishes, that's mine.. to have her with me for that one day..

I'm really enjoying this book far more than I thought I would... I even got the second one. It's like.. this girl actually understands what I'm going through. It's supposed to be a true story, but I don't know if I believe that or not... who knows. Either way, the description of hte feelings is so similar... so nice to not feel alone. Having all those things you want to scream out but just smiling and saying everything is fine... knowing that no one could really love you. That when they say they do they just think that they do... or they just love the things you do for them, or the way you make them feel. All the shadows of emotions and the gray and being unable to wake up sometimes...It's very nice. Also.. the memories of things that just feel like dreams now... like htey never really were.
I like my new car.. but I think that Dawn resents me for it. I could see it in her carefully guarded eyes... that she's older than me and is higher rank at our workplace, she should be the one with a nice car. But she also has a family to support.. I just support me.

I'm going to get my car tomorrow... they had me all ready to drive it off the lot when I noticed that it had no inspection sticker... So they gave me a Civic Coupe to drive for today.

Not a lot to report.... i stayed the night at deb's the other night and remembered... really remembered, what it was like with Mandie. I cried for a little while...

I like this book i'm listening to, the girl experiences the same problems as me. She even talks about people that are dead fading and fading until it's like they never existed...