I finished the second book of the set I was listening to... it was so hard. Going through her life, and recovery.. she was like me in so many ways. Now I'm listening to something else...

I feel a lot better, about everything.. at least for now. I miss Mandie, but I think it's entirely on the merit of "she was my friend" rather than "I can't survive alone." I thought about talking to her again, that I think I'm ready and can handle it... then I remembered, I decided to stop sending her e-mails because I couldn't control my moods or emotions anymore, and they were just swinging like crazy and I kept sending her all this different stuff.. and the last one I sent her DID say I wanted to be friends with her again. So, that's the last message she got from me anyways... and she never replied. I guess she's either unwilling or not ready... either way I'm just going to remain silent.

I'm used to being alone again... it was hard, very hard. But, nothing works as good as cold turkey, I suppose. That's the way my life has always been... no careful acclimation just diving right in. Like when my mother died... some might say that her whole life (with me) was a slow acclimation, because she had cancer for a long time and we all knew it was coming... only she went to the hospital all the time. I expected that this time she would come home like every other time... I didn't realize she wouldn't until the day before she died. Just like.. no more mother. My last words with her were spoken to a face that looked both strained and very far away... I'm not sure if she even heard me. If she couldn't.. I'm sure she was watching from somewhere else because she hung on until all her sisters got there to say goodbye. I wish I could've had a chance... to say those things I never said. "I forgive you.." I wish we could have had one of those movie moments.. where you cry and finally connect on that way you never could before.. I wish a lot of things..
Most of all.. I wish my brother were here to guide me.. tell me what to do.. most importantly tell me that everything will be alright and that Mandie is stupid for making me cry (like he always did with Shelly) and maybe even offer to beat her up (like he always did with Shelly). I would never actually ask him to, but the fact that he offered meant the world to me..
Failing that, I wish I could talk to Mandie... Aug 8th (Tyler's birthday) is coming up and I hate to face it alone.. Dad always pulls in on himself and never comforts me on those days.. and I can't blame him. I wish I had someone close... so I wouldn't have to cry alone.
If God listens to prayers or wishes, that's mine.. to have her with me for that one day..