Where to start... that point where words seem insufficient.
I've read like.. three books in a week. And by read, I mean listened to. It has been good.. I've been thinking about them a lot.. Earlier, I had all these thoughts, racing around in my head. I want so badly to put them down, to prove that they existed... but they disappeared as quickly as they appeared.
I hate the way that happens... I have these thoughts which feel so important to me and I think that if they're this important there's now ay I could forget them, but then here I am, ready to type and drawing a blank. I feel like I've had them stolen from me... I earned them, I had them..
My eyes are just glazing over as I get lost and lost in the muddle. The muddle is sort of this... protection that my brain has. When I start to get into serious territory, territory that could be upsetting me... suddenly my thoughts will start to confuse me, and i'll just start to get sort of lost.
When I used to talk abuot Tyler with my therapist, or Mandie now (not that I still see the therapist) I would start to talk slowly and my eyes would sort of glaze over and I couldn't for the life of me remember what I was about to say and none of what we were talking about would make sense.
I do know that I cried a lot on the way home.. and something about how no matter how good the things around me in my life are going, I'm still depressed. Because the real problem is in me... this sort of blackness evil that's eating me from the inside out, this depression.
Suicide seems more viable every day.