So.. it's the 8th today. 25 years ago today Tyler was born.. on 8/8/80.
I miss him a lot.. and I wonder if he's watching over me right now.
I called Dad but he was sleeping so I let him get back to sleep... we might go out to dinner tonight. He said we probably could... but then if I know Dad he'll go "Actually, I think I'm going to spend some time alone. I just want to think, you know? I'm sorry honey.. maybe tomorrow we can go to Denny's." And I'll go "It's alright, don't worry about it. I'm tired anyways.." He's ask me if I'm sure then say thanks and that he's sorry a few more times. Then we'll get off the phone and I'll cry and cry and cry.. Cry because of the feelings of rejection because yet again he doesn't want to spend time with me... cry because this was the one day I didn't want to be alone more than any other. Cry because I miss Tyler.. Mom.. and Mandie. Cry because no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, people will always leave you. That's just part of life..
The only people I spend time with now are really Deb and Josh.. we hang out and get stoned, pretty damn stoned.
I dreamt last night about what my life would be like if something were different... I don't remember what.. I think it was if my Dad had died too... or maybe it was if Mandie died. (I might have dreamt that she was still with me). In my dream I had become this druggie who was constantly on one thing or another, just to ease the pain for a while.
To ease the pain... that's like my goal. I know it never stops, but just to ease it for a while.
I miss her, but it's getting easier. It's not that life is as good as it was before, but I've become accustomed to this. I no longer expect anything different and barely remember it. That's another goal... to forget it all.