hum

I've been feeling pretty good lately.. I finally got up the nerve to e-mail Mandie again. Yes, it took nerve.. because I had to overcome the feelings of pathetic-ness. I talked to my dad about it.. I'm going to tell him that here and I were dating soon. I just don't know how yet.. maybe by e-mail, that way I wouldn't have to face his reaction. He said "Don't you still have her number?" and I was like "Dad! I can't call.. it's bad enough that I e-mailed her again." "When did you last e-mail her?" "Two months ago, but she never replied." "So why don't you just call her?" "Because if she didn't reply there's a reason, and I'm not going to go begging someone to be my friend. I'm not pathetic like that.. if she doesn't reply to this to at least tell me 'No, I don't want to be your friend.' then I'll give up."
He doesn't understand my views on strength and weakness.. or maybe they're just so much like mom's were and that scares him. He saw what she was like, always holding in the pain so that others wouldn't "win." Never being able to admit that he had hurt her feelings.. always turning it into anger and indignation.
I know that in many ways he doesn't want me to be like her, and I also know that in many ways I am very much like her.. but that's the thing. I'm so very scorpio that I like being this way, it's how I feel, it's how I want to be. I want to be secretive, I want to appear strong. Strength is the most important thing..