Today was interesting.. I ended up crying in my manager's office.
I accidentally left two pizzas behind on an order.. I just wasn't thinking.
I got back and found out someone else had left with the rest, and everyone was nice saying we all make mistakes. I did one of those things were I said what I was thinking and let my true feelings show on accident.. MJ said "It's not you, it's the rest of the world" cause I looked stressed and I just said "I wish I could believe that.." and walked off.
I was headed straight for the bathroom, because that's always where I go when I need to cry when others are around.
Well, I almost made it, and I heard my manager call out my name.
I turned around and he said to go in his office, in a nice way.
I started crying the second he shut the door and told him I was sorry.. He said it was okay, it wasn't a big deal.
I told him I have had short-term memory problems all my life and people have gotten mad at me for it all my life (leaving out the part about it being due to a minor form of dissociative identity disorder). He said he wasn't mad, he said that he knew that I was a good, hard worker. He said that he has a reputation for firing people he doesn't like or thinks don't work hard enough, and that if I was a bad employee he would've fired me..
I told him that I didn't like to make excuses and that I was just hoping I could overcome it.. he said that he'd help now that he knew.
I was so afraid if I told someone I had so much trouble with my memory that I'd get fired.. because that makes me a difficult employee.. but he was so nice about it.
I've always thought him nice, now I think it even more...
It is embarassing to have cried in front of him though... more and more people have seen me cry :(
He also saw the child part of me.. that just sobbingly told him what was wrong. Weak.. vulnerable, scared.
I'm so glad he was nice, that was a big step for me. The more kindness and support I get when I'm in that mode, the more progress I make.

I still miss her.
I check my e-mail, allowing myself that much, a small hope. I hope that she replied, but I don't let myself e-mail her.
No reply, I doubt I'll ever see one.
I wish she had never messaged me... it was easier when I believed I'd never see her again. It's harder when she dangles herself in front of me.. telling me that maybe I could have her again, if only as a casual friend.
I know that that wouldn't work... because I still love her.
I wish she would be all gone or all here, because I just can't handle the middle.
And really, she can't be all here anymore.. and I don't want her to be all gone, but I guess that's the best option?
I was listening to reel big fish last night.. "I let her go but I can't let her go."