reaading

The last couple of days have kept me pretty busy..
I don't know how to explain how I live, it feels like I'm constantly shifting realities..
Like I get this feeling that.. this isn't real. None of it.. or that it's different from before.. I've been living in this room for a while. Yet somehow, I feel out of place sometimes.. like this isn't what normal is to me. Like there's thought lingering on the edge of my mind that I can't quite grasp.

When I'm in different places my reality shifts drastically. Walking through doorways can be like slamming into walls for me. I walked into my house and bam, different me, different world. Different set of memories.. different feelings.

I opened up to Deborah last night, I mean really opened up. I hope that she saw it for what it was.. me trying to connect. Not me whining. I told her about my problems connecting with people.. and I can't remember a lot of what I said. I just remember looking in the darkness at her window.. and just letting my mouth move and the words come out. I stopped my filter, it was something I did for her. Like a gift, but I don't know if she saw it as that..
A couple of times I almost stopped myself and went "wait, what am I doing? I'm not supposed to talk about that." but then I forced myself to keep going..

I think I gave her some insight, I think I'm learning to trust. I just won't ever trust anyone like I trusted Mandie. After describing some parts of my life.. and what it was like before, and why Mandie and I broke up... She gave me the same release and gratification that Shelly gave me. She gave me permission to hurt.. she said "that must have hurt." It heals a lot when I hear that.. that acknowledgement that it's okay for me to hurt. I never got that as a kid... so I took another big step last night.

Bearing my soul, and instead of shame and rejection and that awful awful hate.. I got acceptance.

Deb really is a good person.