feeling lonely again.. I almost texted mandie.
then, i thought about it.. how could it possibly go?
i'd ask her if she was there.. she'd either not reply or say yes..
i'd ask her how she was if she said yes and she'd say okay or good.. both of which would just make me more sad..
why do i keep torturing myself like this?
i stopped though.. i didn't let myself.
i keep thinking that she's pathetic.. because rather than face the pain and take the blunt force of it, she ran to the arms of someone else.. had someone else tell her she's pretty and nice and worthwhile.. but then i think, maybe it wasn't so strong to her?
maybe she just dealt with it better than me.
that's kind of the story of my life... having my heart breaking over someone who gets over me rather quickly.
i'm always the one that gets too attached..
i found an old piece of paper i wrote on the other day.. it had "dear God, please help" written over and over and over, that's as much as I told deb..
it also had "please, please just make the pain stop" and "please God, I can't take it.. make it all end" and similar messages written all over
i don't remember writing it.. i find things like that a lot and don't remember writing them

i want my brother..
i was thinking today, about all the times i heard "losing a child is the worst thing in the world" and how angry it made me...
when i lost tyler, i lost the person who held me when i cried... i lost the person who comforted me when my parents fought
i lost the person who cheered me up, who made me feel like i was okay (at the same time, he also made me feel crappy about myself and made me sad sometimes.. but during the big times he was there)
i literally lost my hero, he meant everything to me
he was like a parent..
and i just felt like they ignored how hurt i was
i miss him so so much