I want to feel nothing.. nothing at all.. ever again.

I keep wanting to text message Mandie, and I have to stop myself..
It's hard.
I won't do that thing.. where I ask her what she's up to, and she tells me that she's with her fami'y/horse/doesn't reply at all, then asks why or what I'm up to. I reply and then nothing.
I won't beg for attention.. for affection.. I hate having to struggle to feel some connection.
I don't want to feel alone anymore, I don't want to feel anything.
I was okay before.. It's like you don't miss something that you don't experience.
I was alone all the time.. so I didn't miss companionship.
Then, I had companionship, and now I'm even more miserable...

No matter how safe it may seem to come out... it's not. It's never safe. People leave... She taught me that.

My therapist says I should form a surrogate family.. that there are people that should be willing to care about me enough to be there for me all the time. The books say that too.. but none of my friends would be willing to dedicate themselves like that.

Ross tells me that you just can't expect that of people, and that bothers me.
1) that means that he doesn't meet the standards for the kind of friends I'm supposed to be finding, and I'm really close to him.
2) that's the attitude of most people.. that they shouldn't have to be there like that for someone.
I feel like the standards for a good friend, for a nice person.. they're very wrong.
If you give a homeless person $1 that doesn't make you a good person. That means you're a little nice, because you were willing to sacrifice something small... but so many people make such small efforts and feel like they're just so great.
We give people too much credit... a good person makes a lot of effort.
People are so selfish.