I'll never be.. anything.. anything at all..

I give up, I'm not going to ask my dad if I can go to dinner with him anymore, because I can't handle rejection well at all..
I'm tired of being disappointed...

If you didn't like having people around you, if you didn't like spending time with others, then why the fuck did you have cihldren you asshole?
He thinks children are like plants or something.. you just water them every so often and they'll grow just fine on their own.
People AREN'T like that, and it's NOT okay that you've ignored me for most of my life.

My parents weren't okay, and they had kids, and now I'll never be okay...

If I could ask God one question, I think it would be if it will ever get any easier...
Will there be nights when I don't cry myself to sleep?

When I was writing "I hate.." the other day, my hand kept writing the sentence but my mind finished it differently. My hand said "I hate not having my laptop in class," and my mind said "I hate myself."

Will I ever not hate myself?

I talked to my psychiatrist about why I hate inspirational movies, because life isn't like that.. and he agreed, he said it's not. I said it was cruel to give kids false hope, and he said that people need the castle.. It's why the lottery works, he said, because people want the castle, with the money, and the nice cars, and the expensive furniture, everyone wants it. Having hope for things we know are unlikely is part of being human, and I hate it..

Hope is that small part of me that just really wishes I could wake up and everything would be okay, when my brain knows that that's not going to happen.

It's the part that hurts the most.

Now my dad is mad at me because I told him that it upsets me when he doesn't want me to go with him.. I'll never win.