My God who is this man.. who hunts to kill?

We had a temporary manager today and I'm sad that he's not the permanent one.. I felt more comfortable today than I have ever before there, and more comfortable than I feel around most people.. He was really casual and nice, and I could actually talk to him.
I was thinking while I was out driving, and I'm not as cynical and dark as I seem.. I told this to Ross on the phone once, recently.. I really do want to have hope, and brightness. I want for there to be happiness, good things.. God I want to be inspired. That's why I love broadway musicals so much, there's so much intense emotion.. It's like me, intense and dramatic. I just want so badly for something more than my life.. I want passion, I want to care about things and LOVE life..
This is worse than sadness.. Deb said that once, that she kinda liked how she was, because at least she always felt something. Sadness so intense is also so true, such a real emotion.. So many people go through their daily lives just feeling these shadows of emotions. I want what I feel to consume every fiber of who I am. Whatever I feel, I want it to be passionate and amazing.
There's this part of me that wants so desperately to live and to feel and to love, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I've let myself become so sad, so overcome. With people like me it's black and white, good and bad. I view myself and others this way.. and I've always felt like I have a good side and a bad side. The problem is, there's no gray.. the two can't be mixed. I'm either dismal or bubbley, but never both at the same time.
I haven't been taking my medicine recently... I think that's why I was depressed. I feel like such a failure over that.. just like always, I go off.. It's not that I don't want to get better, it's that sometimes just thinking about medicine makes me feel sick. I dread the mornings because I know I'll have to take those damn pills. It's not that bad though, I don't know why it makes me nautious.. I'm going to take them again tonight.
The waves of emotions control me all too often though.. it's like I'm at their whim. They pull me up then throw me down. But the worst of all is when they leave me... That emptiness is the worst of all, I think.
Maybe, I don't know. I don't know which was worse, the first couple of weeks without Mandie, or the numbness that followed..