hum

I get so pathetic when I'm stoned.
Most of the time, I'm okay, I'm even okay most of the time when I'm stoned.
But sometimes, I start to get sad.
I laid around this morning thinking about things... I wasn't too sad.
I thought about the night she told me she loved me, how I was so scared because I was still coming down and I was on prince. Big animals that can throw me off and trample me make me a little nervous, call me crazy. I thought about riding around in the field, when we both had horses to ride.
I thought about how nice she was when she was teaching me to ride..
I know I'm getting better because I can think of this and smile and be just a little sad..
It still feels like everything happened really fast.
We were best friends and girlfriends, she had to go out of town, she got back, she started needing some personal time, and I realized that that was how it would always be. She would always need personal time. I realized that she would never be able to be happy with me.
Everyone needs personal time, except me.. she also just has times where she decides she needs to spend time alone. But it all happened to fast, I had that realization when she got back, I told her and we broke up.
Just like that, everything changed.
Just like that, she stopped loving me.
I don't talk about it to people anymore, because I know how annoying it is when someone just goes on and on whining about their tragic situation.. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to get over it, but I don't, because that's mean.
So I whine here, but I still feel guilty...
Why do I feel guilty?
I feel guilty because I don't have a right to whine, I don't deserve happiness, and I definately don't deserve to feel upset when I don't get to be happy.
Why do I feel that way?
My therapist says that it's because my needs were ignored when I was little, and I grew up to learn that my needs were not important. She says that kids convince themselves that they deserve what they get, maybe I did.