i hate my life

I talked with my dad on the way home from Ross's and now I'm in my room crying and upset again.. upset, I'm not allowed to use that word. Hurt. Angry.
I will never have a loving father or mother, and I have to come to terms with that, because it causes me so much pain.
The way my psychiatrist put it, my father is a porcupine. Sometimes you just need to cuddle and be loved (not literally cuddle, cause that would be gross) and porcupines can't do that.
I've had porcupine parents all my life though, I always just wanted someone to love and hold me, and they never could...
I want more than anything to not be so terribly alone right now, but I am.
I felt that love and that safety, when Mandie and I would lay in bed together and talk (usually roleplaying) but that's gone now..
I'm here, by myself, and I'm so sick of it.
so
fucking
sick...