reading and reading and not sleeping

Do you ever cry and not know why?
I used to think that sometimes my eyes just got watery.. because how could you cry without knowing why?
But it's more than watery eyes.. it's not sobbing.. it's just gentle tears running down my face and an empty feeling.
I'm reading When Rabbit Howls.
It's for my immersion paper and it's about someone with DID.
I can see why my therapist thought I had it at first.. I think now that I have some other dissociative problem on top of other things.
I started reading, but it gets hard.. I start to feel so disconnected that I see things weird...
How can I explain seeing things weird?
You know when you stand up really fast in a hot shower, your head gets all tingly, and you see colors in the corners of your vision?
It's like that, only it's gridded across my entire vision.
I feel so blank and numb.
I can't remember a lot of my childhood, and I forget things that I do.
Only, when I see something, after a little concentration, I remember where it came from.
I don't remember last week or the past two days, and they feel like years ago.
But, if I concentrate and work on what I -know- for certain, it becomes more clear.
I don't feel things, I talk about my past and I'm just so numb and empty, that's like DID, but I'm not quite the same.
We talk about my past and I can always feel the emotion draining from my face, and I feel shame because I know that's now how I should react..
Thoughtful and quiet, I hate it sometimes
I have certain words and things that were said to me that I can't repeat.. I just can't.
I'm working on that, though.
I have the constant feeling of impending doom, constant fear and panic...
I also go through those different facial expressions and voices and mannerisms.
Sometimes I smile and talk softly and hold my foot or play with my hair, then I'll get real serious, and my voice gets deep and I stop moving at all. She says I look masculine when I do that, and even Mandie noticed my voice changing once...
She calls it a fragmented ego, it's not quite the same.
Everything feels so different at different times and right now I just feel so blank. Not that painful emptiness, but an objective emptiness.
I don't ever feel like I belong, either. I feel like I'm so different from everyone else, and I'm so scared of everyone else...
I want to sit and denny's and drink coffee but dad isn't answering is phone.

More reading.

Also, I startle easily.