thoughts then grocery shopping, wee

I dreamt about Mandie again last night.. I wonder when that will stop.
I was thinking about it the other day.. and how when you first lose someone you care about it feels like hours and hours.. and eventually it turns into days.. and then weeks.. it's how many weeks they've been gone. Then it becomes months.. that's where I'm at, Months. I wonder how long it takes for it to become years? I want it to be years sooner.. I want to run away from everything that makes me think of her.. feel for her. Everything. I want to stop hating her, because I want her to become so insignificant that I don't care enough about her to hate her.. I wonder if I will eventually achieve that.
I don't hate Nick anymore... and it only took like 2 or 3 years with him.
But then, I was never as close to Nick as I was to Mandie.

In my dream she was just like she was the last time we hung out.. we were in a mall. Running around looking at stuff and holding hands (that was something I always enjoyed, it made me feel so secure and serene when she'd hold my hand... such a simple joy, childlike.) Then we were in bed and we were talking and giggling like we always did, we were making up new stories and scenarios for our characters.
Nothing significant, just a dream about a generic day I spent with her.

Ross never knew that I like blood and scars and stuff like that.. I guess I never talk about it because it seems weird. I've always thought blood was pretty, and I've always enjoyed scars. That's why I've deliberately done things to my cuts before to make them scar.. but then I end up regretting it because I don't like other people seeing my scars.
Rob and I were talking about scars last night andI was tempted to just hold my arms out upside down and start counting.. but that would have drawn attention to the fact that I cut myself. I did manage to mention that.. which is a big step for me.
Some people, like Mandie, can just sit and talk about these things... but I just can't understand that. They'll think your wierd and that you want attention.. or that you're immature or pathetic. I want people to think I'm strong, and that I'm not selfish.. Because I try to be.. I don't know if I succeed....