some thoughts

I've been having difficulty with missing Mandie again lately... sometimes I want to talk about it.. but then I think, "What would we talk about?"
"I miss Mandie." to which he could respond from the vast choices of: "I'm sorry." "That sucks." "Me too." or maybe he could just say nothing...
I mean, if you already know the path a conversation will take, is it worth having?
Doesn't seem like it to me...
I've been having very VERY strange/abstract dreams lately.. one location will blend into another.
Like the night before last, I dreamt I was a buying a bird.. and I was at Petsmart with some people.. and then petsmart became this sort of field, and we were still shopping. Then this little girl came up to us and she was being chased by someone in a car trying to kill her... so the rest of the dream (that I can remember) was simultaneous picking out bird supplies and running for our lives..
It happened again last night, but my mmemory of the dream is fading too quickly for me to remember much.

I started playing Final Fantasy X-2.. and I think I'll finish that before X.

Feelings of hope are dimming... trying to stay upbeat.
Trying very hard.

Last night in the shower I was thinking about when I thought something might be wrong with my car... and I called my dad.. He got all mad at me and said he didn't know what I wanted him to do. I told him that I was scared.. and that I just wanted him to tell me that everything would be alright and that we would get through this together. He said "Do you want me to lie to you?"
I wanted to scream at him "Yes! Please, lie to me. Tell me that you love me, tell me that life will be okay.. and that there's always tomorrow. Tell me that all of this will hurt less with time... Please lie to me.. because I really need hope."
But instead I just said "Dad, I'm gonna do. Bye."
I cried so much...
Why can't I have one of those parents that loves you and supports you and tells you that life will be okay? The ones with the organized life... or at least semi-organized. The ones that make you feel okay when you visit... I can't even visit my dad...the house is too trashy.
I wish, more than anything right now... that I had a family.
I miss my mother and I miss my brother... and I miss the father I used to have.