lots of letters set in arrangements to form words to convey a meaningless message...

So I made this really long post and then, just to be safe, I copied it to my clipboard. Cause, my internet was messing up a lot.. what I didn’t anticipate was that I’d wake up and my computer would have restarted itself… I really don’t know how that happens.

So basically.. I can’t remember exactly what it said. I was wondering why I always torture myself… because I went and read some of my last conversations with Mandie again. Like.. by re-reading the words I can feel like maybe she still misses me. It’s pathetic.. but at least I haven’t e-mailed her again. I have to use self-control. That’s Michelle… always restrained. For once I’d like to do something with complete abandon… without worrying about the consequences or what others would think.

Something I was thinking about a lot today… in our conversation Mandie told me I had been cold. When we talked outside psychology… I had purposefully forced all emotion out of my voice. I thought that she was thinking how pathetic I was.. because though I was barely managing to keep my voice level I had this big tears rolling down my face. I tried to avoid eye contact… I didn’t want her to see the tears.. I didn’t want to give into the urge to hug her and beg her not to leave me like everyone else did. Instead I said goodbye and watched her leave… I was really trying not to impose my emotions on her, and to save face to be honest. When Mark and I broke up, I hated that he called me with that whiney voice and said “I miss you..” all the time, because he was using his pain to guilt me. I didn’t want to be like that… so I tried very hard to hide my pain. I called her afterwards to appologize for being cold… but she said in the MSN conversation that I even sounded cold when I called to appologize…

I don’t know how to be any other way. That’s how I’ve gotten through life.. I thought she realized that by now. I just sink back into my shell and let the cold face come over me and take care of everything. I become distanced and I’m the impenetrable Michelle… not letting anything in or out. I mean, I’m not literally impenetrable, but it helps. When you tell yourself something enough (“My mind is my space and mine alone… no one can get me here no matter what. They can’t hurt me here.”) it starts to become true. I don’t know how else to explain it… but eventually it helps. You really start to cut off and sort of… drift away. Anyways, that’s how I’ve always operated. Cold and calculating, when I’m hurt at least. I thought she knew that… I thought she knew that that’s where Damian came from. The cold face.

So often, I have good intentions.. they just don’t work out. My main reason for breaking up with her… I was tired of always holding her back and being angry with her. I knew it wasn’t fair.. I knew I needed to change it. I knew she would always need space… I hoped we could spend some time a little distanced and I could work through it and still be friends with her, and maybe even that we could date again eventually. Of course, I would’ve understood if she didn’t stand around and wait (which she definitely didn’t /bittnerness). Rob didn’t hurt so much as REPLACING me with Rob hurt. I always dealt with her other relationships, though I was terribly jealous. I was just happy knowing that I still had a place… it was that my place was removed and he was (carefully thinks of word in order to avoid akward pun) placed.

Wow… it’s amazing how much I write when I just let it kind of seep out.

Oh yeah, the other thing I talked about. My memory. When it comes up… I usually just smile and laugh about it and say “I have bad memory.” No one knows how much it really upsets me… the other day I was thinking about my mother. I tried very hard to remember the last REAL conversation that we had.. and realized that I couldn’t. I tried ot remember the last time that she told me that she loved me… the last time she hugged me (which was rare) or even the last time she was truly lucid… and I just couldn’t. All of it.. is lost. I can’t remember much of her after 10^th grade, and before that is just flickers. Little memory spots here and there that pop up.

I feel like I earned the right to those memories by surviving it all, yet somehow, I don’t get them.

But then again, maybe I didn’t. Because, the reason I can’t remember them… is that I just shoved them aside in my mind and never dealt with them. Maybe I took the easy way out.. and I don’t deserve them.

Who the hell knows?