Everything is so complicated and life is never easy..
Yes, things with Mandie are going to be difficult. I knew that coming into this.. but at the same time.. no amount of time spent away from Mandie made anything any easier. I had a conversation about it with Deb on Saturday.. cause we have similar situations. People say that if you spend time away from them the pain will lessen and you'll eventually stop thinking about them. Well, 8 months didn't do the trick.. I mean sure it wasn't as bad as it was at first. But, I was still just as miserable the 8th month as I was the second and third. It's because this misery has nothing to do with Mandie.. Mandie just happens to be an excellent trigger.
My pain is from my childhood.. from the fact that my mother was abusive and I never thought she loved me.. from the fact that my brother managed to escape this hellhole of a life and abandoned me to suffer it alone.
That's the reason she's so freakin hard for me to get over, and it's not romantic. I keep trying to make her into my mother, make her be that figure of unconditional love and support.
But, no one can possibly fill that role, it's impossible. So, time away from Mandie isn't going to cut it, I need to work on what's actually causing all this pain. I'm not giving into my desire to find comfort in Mandie's company.. in fact I haven't hung out with her for almost a week now. When she needs time with Rob I force myself not to call... but in the end seperation from her won't do it.
I don't know what will.. they say it's a lifelong disorder. I've been trying and struggling for so long.. my life is so stressful that sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. I was telling Deb how the best thing to do is tell yourself over and over "I'm not hurting over Alex/Mandie, I'm hurting because they met a need and now it's not being met anymore. They triggered something in me, but the pain doesn't have to do with them."
It's seperating the two, and sometimes it makes it easier. Deb said that it hasn't worked yet for her, and I asked her how long she has been doing it... she said a week. I told her I've been working on it for over a year and it still hasn't done much for me except help to relieve the anxiety sometimes. We do what we can, right? Even if it doesn't work.. I have to keep trying.
But really, I'm emotionally exhausted. It's like fighting against this undertow for so long.. you know that it will win out eventually and all you can do is struggle and stay above water for as long as possible. It slowly pulls you down for a while, until you break free, and the cycle repeats. Eventually you need rest.. eventually you need to spend a day without crying and without struggling.. but when do I get that?
Ever?