My Dad's stomach pain is back.. and I'm truly and completely freaking out.
He has been in pain for like.. 3 days now. He's either going to go to the doctor or the emergency room.. and he doesn't have health insurance. He says he has enough money to cover a doctor but he's not sure about the emergency room.. maybe they could set up a payment plan or something?
He'd have to actually get a job again.. I'm so scared. He's in so much pain he can't bear it...
I just keep wondering.. why does this stuff happen in my life over and over?
I used to believe that when I was happy, bad things happened. It was the general rule of my life.. now I feel it more than ever.. I remember when Heath and I were close everytime I was starting to feel good my mother's cancer would get worse.. and lately I've been so incredibly happy and now this happens. I know, Dad's in pain, I shouldn't be worrying about myself.. but I can't help it. I've been awake for hours, stressing out.. My stress level is just through the roof. I texted Mandie telling her to call me when she wakes up... I can't be the strong one again, I can't. My dad told me he needs me, and to not freak out... but why am I always doing this?
Through my brother's death, my mother's death, always the strong independent one. Why am I having to take on that role again.. to take care of my father. I'm scared half to death, I just can't handle it.. I can't be the strong one anymore. It's too much.. I was sitting here thinking I'd do anything to make the fear stop, and then I thought "I could kill myself.. then it would stop."
I'm so stressed and so afraid that suicide seems better than my life..
The sun is coming up, and that always makes things seem better for me..
for some reason, everything is always worse at night for me. I'm more lonely, more depressed, more scared... when the sun comes up I feel a sort of warm reassurance.
That and taking a bath.. for some reason baths really get to me. I actually feel physically sick if I stay in too long.. I get upset and scared and have to get out and curl up in a blanket for a while before I start to calm down.
I really need Mandie right now, to help me be strong.. and I'm praying that she can handle that role. I don't want to collapse again.. I've been standing and I've been decently okay for a while.. I want to stay that way.. I don't want it to all come falling down on me.

I really like the Coheed and Cambria song The Suffering.. which is weird. It's not my normal kind of music.. I'm going to try to listen to some of their other songs.

Oh Lord.. this song is so depressing.
Mandie told me about it before, and I believed her, but I didn't understand.. She slept in my room cause she was miffed with Rob, and she was listening to music as she went to sleep. One of them was that song, that sad sad country song. When I turned my laptop back on Rhapsody came up, and I decided I'd go ahead and listen to it...
It's just.. so.. sad.

woo

I'm posting from my PSP!

Mandie said she'd call me tonight and she didn't.. that's exactly what I need to remember about her.
She's not reliable.. when she says she'll do something that doesn't necessarily mean that she'll do it. It means that she'll do it if something else doesn't come up that she'd rather do, or if she doesn't just decide she doesn't want to do it anymore.
This was an issue we always had, and I'm going to use it to keep myself distanced from her.
She's unreliable, she doesn't do what she says she will.. if I keep this and the other things in mind I won't get too attached, and I won't get hurt agian.
I won't stick my hand in the fire twice, I'm not an idiot.

I had one of those nights.. I was trying to organize the events of my mother's death in my head, so I started asking my dad questions. We ended up talking about it a lot, and why she crashed so quickly.. and he said that he told me that she wasn't going to last very long and that I should see her once more before she died. He said that he remembered that I wasn't in the room very long, but that he also didn't blame me considering her state.
I felt the need to defend myself, because I felt that it seemed really selfish that I couldn't bare to be in the room with my dying mother.
Going in there, I was initially just horrified at how she looked.. she was so weak, frail, and small. I can't remember exactly, but I remember her body was sort of taught and pulled in on itself, and her breathing was ragged and through an oxygen mask. I think, when I talked to her, her eyes were open. I think she was just opening and closing them.. I don't think she was capable of keeping her eyes open very long. The expression.. it was a look of desperation, of being lost, of being somewhere very far away. I stood next to her and I told her that I would be okay, to not worry about me. She had expressed fears so many times that my Dad would be mean to me and I wouldn't be able to defend myself and she wouldn't be there to defend me. I told her that Mark would take care of me (cause I was dating Mark at the time and that was while we were actually close) and that Dad would take care of me and not to worry, that I could handle myself. I told her that I loved her, and then I left.
It was all I could take.. I hated seeing her like that.
My dad said that he brought her doctor in there, Dr. Khan, because the hospital doctor wouldn't tell him anything. Dr. Khan told him that keeping her on morphine, though it would kill her, was the only humane thing to do, because the cancer had spread so much.. Dr. Khan is a nationally famous oncologist, he goes all around the country to give lectures on cancer treatment, and has seen many MANY patients, and therefor seen many die. But my dad said that when he looked at my mother, then looked at him, Dr. Khan had tears streaming down his face.
He treated my mother for 16 years, he always said that she fought more than any other person he had ever treated. He said that she took the chemo better than any other patient as well.. They said that with the kind of vicious cancer she had, she had a 60% chance of surviving 5 years.. and she lived 16. She was a fighter, and it was so incredibly hard to see her finally lose.
I know that I have her fight in me.. but what good did it do her? In the end it just prolonged her suffering.. and she died anyways.
I dunno.. I just cried a lot.
I also thought about my brother, and the was he looked in his coffin. He was so.. stiff, cold, sunken. My brother who had always been a smart ass, been intelligent, been both my tormentor and protector.. and he was just laying there, dead.
I've lost so many people.. and I miss them all so much.

musings

I've learned a few things lately, and one of those is that nothing is permanent. I think that's where a lot of the problems we (people) have come from.. we find something that we enjoy and we think that we can hold onto it, make it last forever.
Everything changes, everyday, and so does happiness. The things that make us happy aren't going to be here forever, so we should just enjoy them while they are.
I don't think that Mandie and I will stay friends for long.. no matter what she tells herself she's torn between Rob and myself. Rather try to hold onto this or make it last, I'm just going to enjoy it while it's here.

(Untitled)

I love you Michelle ^_^

Love, Hoopysoor

Funny Sookie Stackhouse quotes (main character in the vampire Dead series)
Upon reading her Word of the Day calendar. "My first word for the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen."
"I'd told Bill one time that the smart thing for aliens to do (when they invade Earth) would be to arrive in the guise of lop-eared bunnies."
"It's probably a bad indicator of your lifestyle when you miss your ex-boyfriend becaquse he's absolutely lethal."
"This is when I would have called my brother, if I'd known where he was. When you have to clean the blood out of the kitchen, it's family you want."