meow

http://insertcandidatesnamehere.ytmnd.com/

It's creeping back

The depression, it always comes back.. the crying.. the screaming.. the cutting..
More and more frequent. I think it's just getting worse and worse each time... building and building until i just can't fucking take it anymore.
I don't want to live anymore.

November 5th, my birthday is in 2 weeks, and I don't think anyone will remember.
It used to be, int he past, i'd want to wait and see if anyone remembered but i'd be overwhelmed by the desire to excitedly tell everyone. This time, it's easy. I just think of each day and I know that no one will remember and I just don't care. I'm just another year older.
I crashed again this morning, cut my arm. I went months without cutting then broke down on halloween and now today, a week later. I wonder if it means something? Why it's becoming difficult again.
I felt my sleeve and it was wet with blood, so i changed shirts. I felt the blanket i was laying on and touching it left a sort of sheen of blood on my hand.. they weren't deep, but blood seems to be good at getting out none the less.
Don't know what to do to fill the emptiness or quell the rage and fear and hatred.
It reminds me of a book series I read once, The Fionavar Tapestry. Galadan was a half god broken by unrequited love. We was so full of pain and hatred that he wanted to obtain an item, Oden's horn. When it was blown, it would summon the gods of hunt and they would unleash themselves, killing every living creature in sight. I always sympathized with his character for that reason. He didn't know how to handle his emotions or his emptiness or his feelings of loss so he simply wanted to destroy everything, the world and himself, just to make it stop.

Fuck holidays

Bad day.. very very bad day.. it's like I just can't control it.
Halloween makes me think of Tyler and that makes me incredibyl depressed. Everything went wrong.. My dadand I were supposed to go out to eat, the german place I had been looking forward to was closed and then he started crying cause he couldn't stop thinking about Tyler either so he just went home.. Lots of litle things went wrong.. Dawn helped a bit. I got drunk, cut a little bit, then she knocked on my door and asked me to go to Wal-Mart with her. I did, and I enjoyed her company immensely. It was fun, I rode the bike she got Joe through the parking lot and we both laughed when I nearly busted ass.
Went to sleept around 11 because I just couldn't take being awake anymore.. woke up at 4am... going to try to go back to sleep but it doesn't seem likely.. I hate this.